I Am Number Four

I went to see SCREAM 4 at midnight and I'm not sure what I expected to see. When I was 8 years old, I watched BATMAN FOREVER in the theater and I remember thinking "This is going to be the last one, I better enjoy this". Because my little boy brain raised on movies thought that franchises end at trilogies. Part 4's were reserved for horror movies and pornography. And at the time, I was sort of right. Making a fourth film is pretty much always a cash grab. Nobody has ever set out to make a four part story. It's all about the three act structure. And almost any filmmaker that has told us about their plan for an epic trilogy was a fucking liar (Christopher Nolan, the jury is still out on you). George Lucas being public enemy #1. I know you guys think that I spent my middle school years learning how to french kiss with ladies, but I was actually in libraries reading every scrap of paper ever mass produced about the original Star Wars trilogy. The only clear idea that Lucas had from day one was that he wanted people to fight in space. The characters and over all story changed so much over the years. There were mystic crystals at one point. Luke Skywalker was a grandpa and I think Chewbacca was to played by baby triplets all stacked up in a furry suit. All this talk about a saga and expanded universe is just bullshit. Sometimes when you crank more out of your original story, it works out. Some characters and situations lead to endless possibilities. But that first bitter swallow from the Hollywood machine that gave one too many squeezes to the ol' cash cow is when dreams get shattered. Something you love is no longer perfect. Your emotions are tainted. Something you love has become shitty. This blog is going to be about giving a movie franchise one more college try and the results that changed the face of entertainment forever.



I was shocked and excited when they announced they were going to make a fourth Batman movie. To me, it meant that the future was paved with batarangs. There ain't no stopping this train, and it's gonna shit into our butts forever and ever. I knew the name of the movie before they even announced it, and hindsight being what it is, I should have realized if a 10 year old could figure out the moves of a major motion picture studio, that that was probably a really bad sign. My more level headed friends had the intelligence to question an Alicia Silverstone Batgirl. But this was Batman, they could do no wrong. Why were people being difficult? WHY DO THEY NOT WANT TO HAVE FUN?! We all know how it turned out. We all know how BATMAN & ROBIN single handedly ruined the relationship between fan and movie maker for all times to come. What did I think of it? I loved it! Ice skates in the boots? Inspired! Air surfing! Excitement! And all within the first 20 minutes too. This movie was tailor made for some idiot 10 year old who just wanted to buy the toys and play the scratch off games at Taco Bell. Not having proper access to the internet, I had no idea what kind of war was being waged on Hollywood at the time. All I knew is that the movie was leaving theaters way earlier that I thought it would. BATMAN & ROBIN was in the cheaper and rattier Alhambra Place 5 theater within two weeks. It was sort of heart breaking. I didn't understand. Batman faded away pretty quickly from the public consciousness. It was then I started to realize that four was one too many.



A few years later, Warner Brothers announced that it had finally had offered the right amount of money to the cast of the Lethal Weapon movies for them to want to do another one. Much like Batman, it was a top priority franchise for the studio but they wanted it out by July 1998 and this decision was made at Christmas 1997! LETHAL WEAPON 4 had one of the fastest turn-arounds in history for a movie of it's size. It started filming in late January and was released July 10th, 1998. Lethal Weapon being pretty much equal to Batman in my eyes, I was very excited about this as well. And through the years, I feel it holds up pretty well. The first one is about Riggs learning to let someone in to his life again. The second, learning to love again. The third, he found his match and in the fourth, he learns to fully move on from the tragedy that made him a weapon so lethal, and marry the mother of his brand new son. A Riggs completely rebuilt throughout the course of four films. They accidentally made it work! There is nothing wrong with Riggs anymore. He's complete. There's no reason to be lethal. They succeeded in closing the book on the characters and putting them in a good place. And even harder, they deliver some of the best action in any of the films. The car chase and final three-way battle with Jet Li are products of actual effort and desire to entertain. LW4 is definitely a far cry from the gritty original and definitely the softest of all of the films, but they seemed to stumble on a flow that makes the aging of the characters and result of the events in the series make sense to the audience. They say the pendulum swings both ways, and I think we really lucked out with this. For awhile, they wanted to make a part five which would probably seriously ruin everything, but Mel Gibson decided to ruin his real life instead of his movie life, so we win!



A prequel is a made up term created by Hollywood. There is no such thing as a prequel. No matter when the next movie takes place, no matter how much older or younger the characters are or what spin you want to put on the franchise, another movie is just that. "Another one". It's very important to remember this point when talking about STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE. That title makes me mad just typing it. It's full of trickery! Let's break it down. STAR WARS, a proven brand. It gets you in the door and gets your mouth salivating. EPISODE I, hey, this is the BEGINNING of something. I better sign up now. How did the characters I love get to become the characters I love? We didn't know at the time that this doesn't matter in the slightest, and that if we loved something already, the last thing we need was for it to be spelled out for us. THE PHANTOM MENACE. Here's the bullshit part, shoved way at the end, out of the way. Almost an afterthought. After you've read STAR WARS: EPISODE I, you've already made up your mind about the idea and have probably blown your wad. In fact, all of the merchandise only needed to have STAR WARS: EPISODE I on it. The title was completely arbitrary. THE PHANTOM MENACE. What does that mean? It's not as cool as Wars in the Stars, or Empires Striking BACK or the fucking RETURN of fucking JEDIS! THE PHANTOM MENACE tells you nothing about anything. It should actually be called THE VAGUE THING. The movie was none of those things, actually. It was STAR WARS 4. Plain and simple. Instead of sounding like "Star Wars Again" it tricks you into thinking it's within the realm of greatness of the first movies simply because it happens before the greatness. It's also tricking us into thinking we're going to see the original STAR WARS again because this is the start of a new trilogy. This was the first time, we, as a movie going audience, were expected to repeat a phenomenon again from the ground up. This was new Star Wars. It will be just as beloved and successful as old Star Wars. After all, it's Star Wars. There will never be a movie more disappointing than PHANTOM MENACE. We will never be that excited ever again because this movie added to our complete and utter distrust of Hollywood to ever treat us like thought processing human beings again. Every time we see a sequel or a "prequel" or a "reboot", we cover our balls and tense up, because we all saw PHANTOM MENACE and don't want to be hurt like that again. It sort of destroyed our faith, and that isn't exactly fair. We are now far too weary of what comes along the pike from our favorite characters and stories. We are overly defensive and it sometimes doesn't allow us to enjoy things properly. We're still suffering from Post Traumatic Midichlorean Disorder and while I think we can definitely heal, it's going to take some time.



LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD was one of the first movies to test the waters with making another movie to a trilogy that ended way long ago. At least Star Wars's angle could allow them to hire a younger cast. With this, you need John McClane out there putting bullets in everyone's faces, no matter how old or shriveled he is. ROCKY BALBOA, or ROCKY 6 came out the year before and told a sensible and worthwhile story about our aging hero. John McClane had a country to save. The stakes are the highest they've ever been and there is no room for speeches about how old you're getting. You just have to apply old school know-how to the situation and hope it works. And here's the theory I have that makes LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD work for me. McClane hurls a cop car at an enemy helicopter and rides a jet fighter during his adventures in this movie. With each film, I think John McClane gets THAT much better at defeating terrorists and surviving definite fatal situations. He just gets more powerful. He can do this in his sleep, keep throwing it harder at him, he's just going to throw it right back to you. If they get up to part 9, I would totally buy it if McClane had gained the ability to throw terrorists into the sun. Despite everything that had been taken away from the character, the core of the character still rang true. I guess it's easier when all you need for a Die Hard movie is John McClane being John McClane.



The next one is my own personal waterloo. I can't tell you how hard I fell for the Indiana Jones movies as a kid. It's kind of like the kid brother of Star Wars in that it never fully reached the levels of full on total fever blister madness in terms of popularity. Still radically loved and adored, it was more about the films that it was about being a pop culture movement. So, obviously another one was a huge deal to me. And when I left the theater, I couldn't help but ask my friends "that was good, right?" which is something that should have already told me something was wrong. Because I am thick, I saw it an additional two times in theaters. The opening scene should have clinched it for me. It immediately breaks the rules of the trilogy and it's been adr'd and cgi'd within an inch of it's life. More care and attention was paid towards covering things up than trying to have fun. They tried to fit a sci-fi b movie into an adventure serial model. It strayed too far from what it used to be, and what it actually was didn't make any sense. At least X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (which is another horrendous title, and again, is actually X-Men 4) had a horrible precursor to kill any sort of enthusiasm for an X-Men project I could possible have with X-MEN: THE LAST STAND. CRYSTAL SKULL had to be in the shadow of one of my favorite film serieses of all time and break the flawless streak. I tried really hard to love it, and at one point did. I actually loved INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL at one point, and that creeps me out. Remember in THE DARK KNIGHT (Batman 6), when Harvey Dent said you can either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain? That wasn't just some cutesy aside to the fans, it actually means something. George Lucas is a prime example of that. He was a dreamer with an amazing idea and he beat the odds making a movie no studio wanted to make. But he's been the boss for too long, and now instead of changing the game, he now is the game. He is the man. He is the evil empire that is telling you how it is and how it's going to be, and he's not gonna let anyone tell him that cgi fire ants are stupid and unexciting. We simply can not get over how amazing the 80's was for entertainment and we're going to be eating our own tails for many years to come. We're going to continue pretending that a 63 year old Indiana Jones is a thing we should all see. Because the 80's ruled and it will never be the same.




Okay, let's all take a breath and come down by remembering that even though Wolverine's origin was actually told in the comics in a really successful way, that X-MEN 4 decided to get rid of all that junk before the opening credits so we can watch will.i.am teleport around the screen while Ryan Reynolds gives him jibber jabber. They made it so Wolverine's origin wasn't even all that important to the story and then painted themselves into a corner and got out of the corner with adamantium bullets. I seriously think that if M. Night Shymalan were to make UNBREAKABLE 2 today, that A. it would suck and B. water bullets would come into play heavily in the film's third act. Also, remember "I'm drinking to remember?". Oh, ho, ho.



SPOILERTOWN



Ok, this has been a lot of rambling all to get to SCREAM 4. I watched the original SCREAM at a young age and as a non-horror fan, but could still appreciate what was going on. The 90's were a time to comment on things that happened in the 70's and 80's. Because people love the 70's and 80's, we accept this as entertainment. SCREAM is a fun mystery thriller by and for fans of movies. Any movies really. Because it's fun to consider whatever your situation is as a movie. In this case, some nut is killing a bunch of teenagers in a mask. We are in a horror movie! Our useless knowledge on cliche is now the key to our survival! Lots of fun. The audience gets to play Nancy Drew for a few hours as we keep guessing as to which character is the killer. SCREAM 2 and 3 had the same things going for it, but they are so afraid of failure that they never take the chances that the original film did. The writer's original visions were constantly changed because of massive concern over the film's ending being leaked onto the internet, leading to conclusions that are confusing or disappointing. The movies were still fun and worked as a trilogy, even though it was never planned out that way no matter what press releases tell you. SCREAM 4 suffers from the same things that INDY 4 did in that it kind of forgets it's part of a series. The mechanics that work in the previous films are forgotten, probably because they were lost in the shuffle of endless rewrites. The opening scene of a SCREAM movie is always exciting, but they didn't know what they wanted to do for it. It starts out fine with two young girls talking about facebook and being sarcastic. Two Ghostface killers murder them and I felt a rush of excitement. They were letting us know up front that they were at least two killers. If they are showing their cards this early, that must mean they have MORE secrets in store for us in the movie and ------ nope, it's a false beginning.



The opening of STAB 6 being watched by two other girls. Okay, that's kind of funny I guess until one stabs the other for talking during the movie and it's revealed that we're actually watching the opening to STAB 7. This makes no sense if you're watching STAB 7 in a world where STAB 7 exists. By now, we've wasted so much time that nothing goes into the real opening which involves two girls again and this time a Ghostface shows up and kills them. That's the opening. I figured that the opening to SCREAM 4 would either set up how the game has changed for the rules of the movie or establish why certain people are being killed. None of this happens. It's kind of a throwaway. They had even wasted all their good guest stars on false starts. I then thought "since the opening kills are always someone who's face is recognizable in one way or another, are they changing things up by killing nobodies? Is that the surprise?" Well, if that's the case, then I guess they established that all deaths will mean nothing and mission accomplished. Neve Campbell comes out of the hiding she went into in SCREAM 3 to write a book about surviving. Something she hated when Courtney Cox did it in the first SCREAM. Of course Ghostface returns when she does and is it really worth it? Even a successful book sells what? A couple of hundred thousand copies? It's not like she can sell the movie rights at this point, why all of a sudden the need to be a writer? Who is she, JK Rowling now? Okay, so Dewy is now the Sheriff and that makes sense and Dewy and Gale's relationship is in trouble AGAIN but this time, for no reason. You know, for a guy who lost his sister in all of this madness, Dewy is never as mopey as Sidney. That's not really a complaint, just an observation. Okay, so word gets out that Ghostface is back and Dewy puts his most incompetent officers in charge of protecting everybody.



We meet the new teens. Emma Roberts is the Sidney character, without the weight of tragedy or any back story or being the main character, so not Sidney at all. Her boyfriend, who is recently estranged for cheating on her. Hayden Panawhatever is a sassy best friend who is one of the only people who seems to be trying with this and having fun. No-name McGee, who gets killed next and never gets developed anyway. Rory Culkin and Friend, who are the resident film geeks and try to explain how the horror genre has changed (commenting on 90's comments!) yet don't really seem to know too much about it or try solving the mystery. I assume these characters got blanded out in rewrites, because in order to critique modern horror, you have to comment on certain things that Dimension Films (the studio that makes SCREAM) has been heavily criticized for. So that's out. There is Alison Bree, who is Neve's publicist and is much fun because Bree rules. She gets killed pretty early, which is regrettable. The killer is revealed to be Rory Culkin, who's ambition was to "remake" the original events but there is no connection to who was originally killed or why. It seems too vague and either over or under written. The second killer is Emma Roberts, which lead to the funniest mask pull off of all time. Her reason was that she hated all the attention she got as "the cousin of famous survivor" if that can even possibly be a thing, and then says she wants to be famous because of all this. "Horror movies rule" and "I'm mad at you, Sidney" have already been done in SCREAM 2 in the same way. And Emma Roberts being the killer is right up there with Jackie from Roseanne being Ghostface. You have to wonder how many times these plots can be foiled before some potential killer says "maybe these guys are too good at thwarting and I shouldn't try this" but that doesn't happen this time. Emma Roberts is successful at stabbing Sidney and then roughs herself up in an attempt to look like she is the lone survivor. For a good long time, the movie does a good job at making us believe that the killer might get away with it. Which if SCREAM 4 ended that way, so what? Is that so harmful? Something new! But no, Sidney is a survivor and isn't dead and Emma Roberts tries to kill her in the hospital and ends up getting thwarted by everyone just like the last three times. Thus killing every new character they created to relaunch the franchise. Sorry, SCREAM 5! It wouldn't hurt for them to keep some characters here and there from each movie. Parker Posey certainly didn't need to go in SCREAM 3 and Hayden Blahblah was actually really good. Neve, Arquette and Cox are so boring and unchanged by this point, that it's not even exciting to see them again. Because they don't do anything. So, what was the point of all this? Why bother if the original writer ends up leaving and the director publicly says "it's not my movie" and all your new characters are dead and nothing changes for the original three? Because the Weinstein Company is really hurting right now financially combined with the fact that they are total pussies. That's why fans must watch characters they love in something stupid. That's why SCREAM slowly crawls more into the category of "something I don't like" from "something I like". It becomes a little bit shittier and my fandom wains just a little bit more. Being chipped at like I was a god damn coal mine. I hate that. Did I ever even really care?

!!!!!!!!!!!

And there's the point in all of this rambling. When we go from "that fucking ruled" to "did I ever even really care?". When something awesome becomes something not. There are certain characters like Superman or Sherlock Holmes that have lasted for decades upon decades. The same story being told over and over but with different points of view. New perspectives and takes being added in to each new version. Variations on a theme. Adaptation. Star Wars and Indiana Jones aren't original. They're based on other things but done bigger and better and more sophisticated. Fear is the reason why movies get to a part 4, because studios are afraid of doing something that people won't want to see. We gotta know when to walk away. We must keep moving. In the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld "You MUST exercise the gaskets, George".

Okay, I've said so much on this that I officially have stopped caring. And that is probably the whole point of therapy.

NEXT TIME!

- D

Slurpee Season 2011 Begins: THOR

Everybody needs that special retarded thing they do that defies explanation and garners tons of judgmental stares. Something that makes you happy while simultaneously makes you wonder if you are becoming one of those obsessive compulsive assholes. My vice comes to me every April in the form of slurpee season. For the past five or six summers, the good people at 7-11 have consistently joined up with movie studios to tie-in their latest blockbusters with the convenience store’s number one frozen treat, the slurpee. What does that mean for us? It means collectible plastic cups featuring the characters and stars from summer movies we are destined to love. Summer movies are my favorite kind of movies. They’re my first memories of being in a movie theater and probably set the tone for the kind of movie that I would forever be chasing. To properly enjoy the summer, you must immerse yourself in the merchandising and this has been my favorite kind as of late.

I started my collection in 2005 when REVENGE OF THE SITH’s release spawned Darth Dew, a purple drink that was served in cups topped with Darth Vader’s head.






These stupid things captured my imagination and it delighted me to no end when SUPERMAN RETURNS cups showed up the next summer with not one but TWO exclusive flavors in Kryptonite Ice and Arctic Blast. It became an annual tradition. Who could resist drinking slurpees that Superman himself could never drink? And with Kate Bosworth's and Kevin Spacey's pretty mugs on them no less. You will never see anything like that ever again. Now slurpee tie-ins serve as the herald of summer movie season. They’re the warm up act for the main event. It gets me excited and now you have to read about the latest round of drinkware. It's only now occurring to me how much Mountain Dew I've accidentally ingested over the past few years.





Marvel and 7-11 have been super tight buddies for decades. If you look on ebay, you can find slurpee cups with the entire catalogue of Marvel heroes from way back in the 70’s. Nearly every Marvel movie has had some sort of 7-11 promotion, and they’ve done it on a regular basis for a fifth year in a row. This May, the God of Thunder will strike his bad ass lightning bolt onto the silver screen of your local movie theater. But before he will, you can collect images of his likeness at a participating franchise!



THOR cups have officially arrived at 7-11 and if you’ve read my previous blogs from a few years back, you know that means these days I’m a pretty happy camper. It's a little weird that Sif gets her own cup when Natalie Portman or Kat Dennigs slurpees would have been much more amazing. Sometimes, but not always do these cups come with their own exclusive flavor and we lucked out this time around with Blue Lightning Blast! A thunderous blend of Raspberry and Tangerine Hawaiian Punch! Even though it’s exciting to drink something named after electric murder, the awful truth is that blue slurpee, no matter what you call it, will always taste the same. This one is not bad, but it’s pretty funny how I always expect to be wowed by these new flavors like Willy Wonka was in charge or something.



For the past few years, they decided they want more of my money and have been making collectible straws with little figurines of the characters to go with the cups. Sold separately of course for a price that is almost as much as the cup. If you told 16 year old Derick that one day he’d be able to buy a slurpee with Loki, God of Mischief all over it, he’d probably say “So, I never grow up?” and then I’d slowly back away and sip my drink while kicking dirt and lamenting my younger self’s sharp tongue. BUT WHO CARES, LOOK HOW COOL IT IS!



I can never not break the figurine off the straw within ten seconds of having it out of the wrapper. I only drink out of these things once and I always mess it up. I’m going to blog about my favorite movie tie-in kind of garbage as I find cool stuff to write about. If only you guys were around for the time I ate Indiana Jones coconut M&M’s when CRYSTAL SKULL came out. It’s times like these we learn to live again.

- D

Blockbusters That Weren't: The Cable Guy

Hello, again. For those in the know, a few Summers ago, I decided to create a blog series called Blockbusters That Weren't. A look back at movies that were poised to become franchises or runaway phenoms. Movies that may or may not have deserved a better reception. Movies that the world chose to ignore. Well, I certainly didn't forget them. The first blog was a celebration of the superhero flop THE SHADOW. The second was a reluctant recant of the 1998 American remake of GODZILLA. Superheroes. Monsters. This time we plunge into the wacky world of comedy with the 1996 laff fest THE CABLE GUY.



First, a bit of personal history. When I was a kid, Jim Carrey was a God. The year 1994 is remembered fondly as the year I learned talking out of my asshole was funny. We didn't get one classic Jim Carrey movie, not two, but three. ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE, THE MASK and DUMB AND DUMBER were all released in the same year. My little dork brain could hardly stand it. Imagine your mom packing you a pixie stick lunch on Monday. You open up your lunchbox on Tuesday and find Starbursts and Gushers inbetween two slices of Wonder Bread. And on Wednesday your mom just sent you to school with a whole bunch of meth. Actually, you could probably compare THE CABLE GUY to comedy meth. After the mega success of those three movies, Jim Carrey became white hot and super famous. The fever pitch really started for me when my favorite comedian ever was cast in a fucking Batman movie. Somebody put Jim Carrey and Batman in the same movie when I was 8 years old. I really have no right to complain about anything, because that there proves the existence of an ethereal presence.



An Ace sequel cashed in on the craze shortly after. Everybody was waiting to see what would come next from The Great One. Including me. I was practically foaming at the mouth at this point as he had some pretty tough acts to follow. Well, future comedy giants Judd Apatow and Ben Stiller dared to try.



THE CABLE GUY is a story of unfathomable sadness. Matthew Broderick's character Steven has recently broken up with his girlfriend Robin, played by Leslie Mann. He moves into a new apartment and with every white yuppie dwelling must come an extensive cable package. So our titular hero arrives and is bribed by Steven to get every channel illegally. The Cable Guy agrees but he doesn't want money. He wants friendship.



Steven ends up going up to the Cable Co. satellite (that word is very hard to spell) with the lug and for a brief shining moment, we see that they could almost be friends.

But that doesn't last very long. In an attempt to integrate himself into Steven's group of friends, Cable Guy (yeah, he has no real name) invites himself into a friendly game of basketball which becomes far too aggressive and competitive than it should be. But if you have ever played basketball with your friends, you can kind of see how it can get this far, as you yourself have tried to make a slam dunk off of your friend's back at least once in your life.



This scene is a great example of the bitchin' grunge soundtrack the movie had. More on that later. The writing is on the wall at this point. Still early enough to cut the chord on this nut, right? Not when he controls your television. Cable Guy sabotages Steven's cable during a big date to try and reunite with Robin. Because Steven has no spine, he agrees to hang out with him one more time, and boy does Cable Guy make it count. He takes Steven to Medieval Times: Dinner and Tournament.



IT'S TIME FOR THE ULTRA BONUS DERICK MEDIEVAL TIMES REVIEW WITHIN A REVIEW!!!!!!!!

Up until recently, I had never been to Medieval Times. I imagine Medieval Times is a blast for a kid, but my parents and their child rearing style prevented any sort of amazing fun to happen under their watch. Going as an adult is actually rather depressing. As a kid, I could imagine watching the show and all the waiters and waitresses dressed up and all the knights riding horses and think "Wow, it must be really fun to work here". But now it's pretty plain to see how miserable everyone is. If we can figure out a way to power homes and vehicles from the stink of failed acting careers, then Medieval Times would become our number one source for renewable energy. Medieval Times is definitely where acting dreams go to die. And any sort of accidental fun that could be had from working there is prevented with the strict regimen and unchangeable routine of serving the EXACT same meal that has been served every single night since the place first opened. Tomato Soup. Roasted Chicken. Pastry. The menu has never deviated despite their being open for more than 20 years. It's all served with only Pepsi or Coffee and it's all eaten without utensils. "Derick?" you ask. "How the hell do you eat soup without a utensil?" I almost don't want to ruin the surprise of the bowl/handle/spoon hybrid pewter thing they serve the soup in, but consider it ruined. I must say, that if I owned one, I would use it to get Apple Jacks into my mouth faster than I normally do. This should not be a Medieval themed restaurant, but a Third Reich themed restaurant. Had the Axis won, I'm sure they would have assigned the same meal to everyone forever and ever. I'm not saying I didn't have a good time. I genuinely found the place fascinating. I just may still be a tad bitter that my section's knight (yellow) lost in the first round. Watch this.



If you haven't figured it out by now, The Cable Guy does not have a good grip on reality. But their fight somehow steadies their bond enough that Steven accepts the gift of a state of the art home entertainment system from Cable Guy that have less than specific origins. They have a karaoke party featuring all of the other pathetic souls that Cable Guy has met on his odyssey of leeching on to his customers. What follows is the anthem of the Summer of 1996 for me. Even listening to it now, it sounds like a battle cry. For some reason, Jim Carrey's rendition of "Somebody to Love" was a comedy epiphany to me. I purchased the soundtrack and listened to it ad nauseum. This was before I listened to real music. Somewhere out there is video of me performing this song at a grade school assembly with as much emotion and energy as Carrey did. I remember getting thunderous applause. It was one of the many, many, many performances of that song I did during my youth. The moves are probably still embedded in my brain and can be brought back out of retirement should I ever get stuck as a hostage in a bank robbery and I need to funny my way out. Enjoy.



Steven manages to find a girl at this party who is hot and actually likes him, and ends up hooking up only to find out the next morning that she is a prostitute paid for by Cable Guy. Under normal situations, friendships strengthen after such a gesture. But Steven sees this as a roadblock on the path to getting back with Robin and attempts to throw Cable Guy out of his life again. Things get weirder when Cable Guy starts to stalk Robin and savagely (but hilariously!) beats one of her dates to a pulp.



I've tried to fight people in comedic ways before, and it NEVER works. Steven is not appreciative of his efforts, so he has Steven arrested for receiving stolen electronics. Things come to a head when, invited by Robin, Cable Guy shows up to his parents house for a lovely night of dinner and porno password. Watch the next video carefully.



This is proooooooobably the scene that drove my grandmother over the edge. She's the one that ended up taking me to see it, saint that she was. My parents refused to take me. Not for any sort of content reasons, but if they didn't want to see a movie, they certainly weren't going to grin and bare it for their son's happiness. It was no secret how much of a Jim Carrey maniac I was, so it's kind of confusing how they couldn't just say "Well, he loves the guy. Gotta take him". My parents rarely went out of their way to put a smile on my mug. That is not to say they never did. They usually redeemed themselves with Christmas and birthdays. It was the rest of the year that was tricky to get anything out of those two. Anyway, so my grandmother took my brother and I and the movie of course was highly inappropriate for a 10 year old. She had a grave fear of us getting kidnapped, so she always took us with her into the ladies restroom. After the movie, as my brother and I faced the wall of a one of those single room/single toilet handicapped bathrooms in which my grandmother sat on the throne, she proceeded to chew us the fuck out for wanting to see this movie and vowed "If there is another movie that man makes, you will never EVER see it!". It was probably the most humiliating moment of my life, and I will never forget it. There she was, scolding a child for a movie he didn't make but simply wanted to see. Banning him from ever seeing The Grinch steal Christmas or Horton hearing Whos. All while sitting on the fucking toilet. If it's not my number one most vivid memory of my paternal grandmother, it's certainly up there. I probably should have told it at her funeral to lighten the mood a little. Lord knows that thing was somber as shit. But hey, if I ever meet Jim Carrey or Judd Apatow or Ben Stiller, I have a story to tell.

It isn't long before Steven finds out that Cable Guy has been lying about his identity and how he's been fired from the Cable Co. for stalking customers. Cable Guy has kidnapped Robin and Steven must save her during the climax of the movie at the big ol' satellite dish. Cable Guy realizes that years of neglect and too much television have turned him into a complete psycho and decides to kill the beast once and for all by jumping off a scaffolding and into the satellite dish. He lives and is taken away, and it just sort of ends?

Audiences were left completely horrified and offended. It broke Carrey's hit streak and he had to scramble to make a family friendly comedy to save his career, but he turned out just fine. This movie was also shrouded with controversy over the 20 million dollar paycheck Carrey received for the film. It was the first of it's kind as no star had ever been paid that much money for a single movie before. Was it worth it? I certainly think so. The movie has kind of garnered a cult classic status. After people realized what it was, they probably felt more comfortable with enjoying it. It definitely gave me a lot of fond memories from my youth. And it gave me something to write about for an hour or so. In another time, I think THE CABLE GUY would have been a great success. Ben Stiller and Judd Apatow became comedy powerhouses despite the failure of this one at the box office. It's probably the BLADE RUNNER of comedies. It took a long time for me to realize just how psychologically damaged the Cable Guy truly was. I have much appreciation for how much it tried to push boundaries and have fun with highly disturbing concepts. I thought it funny then, and even though it's a whole other movie to me now, I still do. It also may or may not have inspired my decision to have sideburns.

Hey, let's do this again. I got your number...I'll...you'll call me. Okay. Look forward to it! Bye!

- D

Oscar the Slouch

Okay, it's that time of year again. The time of year where a bunch of movies you didn't see are nominated for Academy Awards and you feel this weird anxiety to try to catch up with it for some reason, so watching the Oscars on TV will not be a complete waste of your time. So, you go to the theater and someone tells you there are TEN Best Picture nominees this year and then you throw up your hands, say "fuck it" and go see Adam Sandler's JUST GO WITH IT. You feel comfortable with this because hey, you saw TOY STORY 3 and INCEPTION. Well, you think you saw INCEPTION. You were really drunk at a party and it was on in the background. You at least saw enough commercials for TRUE GRIT to fake your way through a water cooler conversation about it. They made a movie about Facebook? Seriously?

Anyway, they happen this Sunday whether you are prepared for it or not. I personally don't give a fat shit about what a bunch of over the hill industry professionals think is the best of cinema in the year 2011. You came close to returning to relevance, but when THE DARK KNIGHT was ignored in many major categories...the best reviewed, the most talked about, and highest grossing movie of 2008, well I don't want to know about you after that. I know Ledger was nominated and deservedly won an award for it. But that isn't enough. I mean they give the same award that Heath Ledger got for quite possibly the most chilling performance of the last few decades to a person named Mo'Nique for chasing around a little girl with a frying pan like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Yeah, the Oscars are kind of dead to me. Yet I still have opinions. Hey, it's the internet. What do you want from me?

So, let's picture a world where people eat breakfast for dinner, Christmas takes place in July and DERICKS PICK THE OSCARS! Some of these picks may conflict with my last blog post where I pick my favorite movies of the year. To understand my logic when it comes to deciphering Academy politics, career trajectories and my current mood is a futile exercise. Just strap in and hold on to something.

Best Visual Effects

* Alice in Wonderland – Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas, and Sean Phillips
* Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 – Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz, and Nicolas Aithadi
* Hereafter – Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojanski, and Joe Farrell
* Inception – Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley, and Peter Bebb
* Iron Man 2 – Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright, and Daniel Sudick

The Breakdown: IRON MAN 2 had a guy slicing race cars with electric ropes, which is cool. INCEPTION fooled people into thinking Christopher Nolan figured out a way to make people float in midair (fizzy lifting drinks?). DEATHLY HALLOWS almost had a naked Emma Watson, ALMOST, so that's out. HEREAFTER, I didn't see. I would saw ALICE IN WONDERLAND was the most impressive. I've never met Helena Bonham Carter or Crispin Glover but I would wager that her head is NOT that big and he is most definitely not a rubber man. Movie magic! Also, there was that severely awkward Mad Hatter dance at the end. Oscars are jokes. Give that dance an Oscar.


Best Art Direction

* Alice in Wonderland – Art Direction: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O'Hara
* Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 – Art Direction: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
* Inception – Art Direction: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat
* The King's Speech – Art Direction: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr
* True Grit – Art Direction: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

I would give this to HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART I - EPISODE IV - SEGEMENT 10 because I prefer to have my fantasy epics look like smokey ash trays. On that note, ALICE looked pretty blurry too. I've had enough fog machine effects at my 8th grade dances, thank you. I don't need them in movies.


Best Original Score

* 127 Hours – A.R. Rahman
* How to Train Your Dragon – John Powell
* Inception – Hans Zimmer
* The King's Speech – Alexandre Desplat
* The Social Network – Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

As much as I love blaring air horns, I just don't think this is Zimmer's year. His work was definitely memorable. I can't walk through an airport without hearing the final bits of his INCEPTION score or seeing a bunch of people I saw in my dreams. I think this one belongs to Trent. It's very Clint Eastwood-esque. Yes, Clint Eastwood also scores movies. It's fun to add exes on Facebook while listening to this score. I highly suggest it. It is so choice.



Best Original Song

* "Coming Home" from Country Strong – Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, and Troy Verges
* "I See the Light" from Tangled – Alan Menken and Glenn Slater
* "If I Rise" from 127 Hours – A.R. Rahman, Rollo Armstrong, and Dido
* "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3 – Randy Newman

Sorry, A.R. Rahman. Maybe if the Pussycat Dolls covered it, I would have remembered it. COUNTRY STRONG is something I saw late in the year and fell in love with. If it was a CW series, I'd watch it every week. And it could be, too. It's the mellowest drama you could ever hope to enjoy and "Coming Home" not only shows us how awesome Gwyneth Paltrow's voice is, but (not to spoil anything) brings her character full circle. Wait, nobody saw COUNTRY STRONG? Oh. How did they make Joseph Gordon-Levitt fly like that? Whoa. I feel incepted.


Best Animated Short Film

* Day & Night – Teddy Newton
* The Gruffalo – Max Lang and Jakob Schuh
* Let's Pollute – Geefwee Boedoe
* The Lost Thing – Andrew Ruhemann and Shaun Tan
* Madagascar, a Journey Diary – Bastien Dubois


Honestly, if you saw any of the shorts other than the one that was on the HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIE OF THE YEAR, then by all means, email me your thoughts and I will post them in this section. 'Let's Pollute' sounds awesome, though.


Best Documentary – Feature

* Exit Through the Gift Shop – Banksy and Jaimie D'Cruz
* Gasland – Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic
* Inside Job – Charles H. Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
* Restrepo – Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
* Waste Land – Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley


I have only seen one these again. I am horrible at this so far. I know that INSIDE JOB is a documentary on why our economy went to shit. Ah, cinematic escapism at it's finest. EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP lit the hipster world aflame. It's not about the end of theme park ride queues like I was hoping, but about this street artist who becomes a big deal after an even bigger street artist helps him become a big deal. I know many people that loved this. I just don't understand it. I am not one to rain on anyone's parade, but I think there is a lack of love in this category for WINNEBAGO MAN and BEST WORST MOVIE, which both made my top ten list. Whenever I get depressed about this kind of thing, I just remember the name Mo'Nique and move on with my life.


Best Animated Feature

* How to Train Your Dragon – Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
* The Illusionist – Sylvain Chomet
* Toy Story 3 – Lee Unkrich

I take issue with the fact that the Academy really limits the animation category to just three films. I know there wasn't a lot to praise this year unless you thought that movie where Justin Long and Hayden Panfriedtiara played wolves on a road trip was positively earth shattering. But the category itself is kind of like the kiddie table at Thanksgiving dinner. It's going to take a whole hell of a lot for voters to consider giving a Best Picture win to a cartoon while this is still around. Sure, with the new ten Best Picture nominees, Pixar has managed to edge itself in for the past two years. But I still think it takes away from the impact of the nomination. I think TOY STORY 3 should stand a fantastic chance to take the big prize home, but the reality is that it's not really in contention. Does animation or even plain old moviemaking get any better than TOY STORY 3? No. There you go again, Oscar. Making those same ol' DARK KNIGHT mistakes again.







Oh, and HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON should win.










Best Writing – Original Screenplay

* Another Year – Mike Leigh
* The Fighter – Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy, and Eric Johnson
* Inception – Christopher Nolan
* The Kids Are All Right – Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg
* The King's Speech – David Seidler

This is kind of a weird category. THE FIGHTER and KING'S SPEECH are true stories. INCEPTION was prooooobably based on a dream by Nolan. And Mike Leigh's nomination? Well, I just consider all British stories based on true stories. THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT dared suggest that well-to-do Southern Californian lesbians who only buy local produce and named their kid Lazer somehow consume meat on a regular basis. Suggesting that they are anything less than vegan is a pretty fucking original thought to me. So, here's your Oscar, Cholodenko. Akiva Goldsman has one, why not you?


Best Writing – Adapted Screenplay

* 127 Hours – Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy from Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston
* The Social Network – Aaron Sorkin from The Accidental Billionaires by Ben Mezrich
* Toy Story 3 – Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, and Lee Unkrich; characters based on Toy Story and Toy Story 2
* True Grit – Ethan Coen and Joel Coen from True Grit by Charles Portis
* Winter's Bone – Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini from Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell

Finally, a meaty category. Making someone stuck in a crack interesting for 90 minutes is a pretty tough feat. Making us on the edge of our seat is even harder and I think they did it. 127 HOURS as a screenplay is one of a kind storytelling. TOY STORY 3 is probably the most important story for my generation's continued growth as adults. TRUE GRIT was classic Coen brother thriller/comedy/amazing entertainment and WINTER'S BONE was a movie I saw. The edge is clearly given to THE SOCIAL NETWORK for being what is probably the best screenplay to come out in a few years. I have a feeling Fincher and producers did not meddle with this one too much and allowed Aaron Sorkin to do what he does best. Having people at the top of their game work together without too much interference from the other cogs in the machine is incredibly rare, and I think a script like this is something that comes around once in a blue moon.



Best Supporting Actor

* Christian Bale – The Fighter as Dicky Eklund
* John Hawkes – Winter's Bone as Teardrop
* Jeremy Renner – The Town as James "Jem" Coughlin
* Mark Ruffalo – The Kids Are All Right as Paul
* Geoffrey Rush – The King's Speech as Lionel Logue

Christian Bale hopped around a lot as Dicky Eklund in THE FIGHTER and proved that he can definitely ACT like a crazy person when the duty calls for it. WINTER'S BONE... Jeremy Renner is probably getting residual HURT LOCKER love and Geoffrey Rush is a worthy candidate for an Oscar this year, delivering a very entertaining and uplifting performance. But Mark Ruffalo played a dude to utter pitch perfect percision who had the FUCKING BALLS to ride into the lives of two lesbians with his BMW motorbike and try to have a relationship with the kids that he fathered through sperm donation. The kids sought him out, and the parents are none to pleased about him. But never once do I think Ruffalo is not in control of the situation. He is so cool and slick and offsets the browbeating he gets from every member of that family that a reward is in order. For the past three years, the Best Supporting Actor award has basically been The Javier Bardem Award for Excellence in Bad Ass Villainy with Bardem as Anton Chigruh, Heath Ledger as The Joker and Christoph Waltz as Col. Hans Landa all taking home the trophy. I say, let the reign of terror be over and rename the award The Mark Ruffalo Cool as Cucumber Award for most Laid Backness while the White Upper Class Try to Get You Down. Long title, but I want to see more of these guys.


Best Supporting Actress

* Amy Adams – The Fighter as Charlene Fleming
* Helena Bonham Carter – The King's Speech as Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon / Queen Elizabeth
* Melissa Leo – The Fighter as Alice Ward
* Hailee Steinfeld – True Grit as Mattie Ross
* Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom as Janine "Smurf" Cody

As much as I want to give the award to a lady playing a Smurf, I think TRUE GRIT should get some true recogniton (shoot me) through it's most surprising asset. Li'l Haliee Steinfeld. Her burden in this movie is almost too much for a girl of any age, and this 14 year old shows a staunch bravery and determination that you just can't fake. She gives a performance that is more than solid, because she's going toe to toe with some of the most hard ass actors working today at their most hard assiest. Never does the character of Mattie Ross feel like she doesn't belong at the side of Rooster Cogburn, tracking the no good bum that killed her father. It takes Cogburn far too much longer to see what the audience sees fairly quickly. Ruin this young girl's life with an Oscar please. Heroin ain't cheap.


Best Actor

* Javier Bardem – Biutiful as Uxbal
* Jeff Bridges – True Grit as Rooster Cogburn
* Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network as Mark Zuckerberg
* Colin Firth – The King's Speech as Prince Albert / King George VI
* James Franco – 127 Hours as Aron Ralston

Bridges is pretty amazing as Rooster Cogburn, even if we don't know half of what comes out of his mouth. Jessie Eisenberg is great too, internalizing the fears and regrets of Mark Zuckerberg and channeling them into chilling ambition. I just do not understand all the hullabaloo about Colin Firth in KING'S SPEECH it is a fine performance, do not get me wrong. But it was not that slow of a year. The evidence that James Franco should be the first Oscar host to win an Oscar while he's hosting is all in the scene where he interviews himself with his camera while he's stuck in the crack. At the same time, he's clearly gone insane while simultaneously showing restrained remorse for his simple but epic mistake. It should be shown in every acting class because at no point does Franco ever lose subtly which seems impossible considering what I just described. He never mugs or overdoes it. I can't even compare that scene to anything else I've ever seen. It's such a deserved moment for the character. When I was younger, I always thought I would be the first Oscar host to win an Oscar on the air. How adorable am I?



Best Actress

* Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right as Nic
* Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole as Becca Corbett
* Jennifer Lawrence – Winter's Bone as Ree Dolly
* Natalie Portman – Black Swan as Nina Sayers
* Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine as Cindy

None of the women in this category are even close to being in the same league as Michelle Williams. She seems to be that rare breed of actress that actually cares about the roles she gets and doesn't bother herself with being cast in empty romantic comedies (I'm looking at you, Hershlaag). She seems to always find great roles, albeit in small under seen films. Williams plays a woman in two stages of her life, falling in and out of love with the man whom she married. Williams has her fucking shit together in this one convincing us that even though she's breaking the heart of probably the most charming character of the decade, that she's not the bad guy. Threads of the same emotions tether the two different time periods together while still being different. This is professional work here. She creates a living, breathing person who probably exists a thousand times over in this world. Someone we invest far too much emotion to in two hours, who leaves our hearts shattered in the wake of the closing credits. She probably won't win, but I think she accomplished a career highlight this year.


Best Director

* Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
* Ethan Coen and Joel Coen – True Grit
* David Fincher – The Social Network
* Tom Hooper – The King's Speech
* David O. Russell – The Fighter

Three of these knuckleheads do not deserve to be here. First off, Darren Aronofsky lost the very little credibility he had left with me the second that goose neck shot into the air. More on that later. There is/was nothing special about the way Tom Hooper made THE KING'S SPEECH and David O. Russell made a gigantic SNL sketch. We are missing Danny Boyle and Christopher Nolan up in dis bitch. Some dudes that really threw their fucking balls over the wall this year. Edgar Wright created the first ever live action comic book this year. I would give the award to him if there was any justice in this world. But Fincher definitely deserves an Oscar for his amazing films. And this one is a return to form after all that razzle dazzle bullshit with BENJAMIN BUTTON. Fincher has a lot of style, and it's what he's known for. But with ZODIAC and now SOCIAL NETWORK, he told a compelling story about fascinating characters while leaving all the movie magic to work in silence in the background. Tons of people didn't figure out that Armie Hammer played both twins, or that on a consistant basis, Hammer's face was CGI'd onto a double. It's the ideal kind of special effects at work throughout the movie. Where you don't know special effects are happening. I think he's got a strong chance of winning, and I'm glad it's for some of his best work.


Best Picture

* 127 Hours – Danny Boyle and Christian Colson
* Black Swan – Scott Franklin, Mike Medavoy, and Brian Oliver
* The Fighter – David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman, and Mark Wahlberg
* Inception – Christopher Nolan and Emma Thomas
* The Kids Are All Right – Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte, and Celine Rattray
* The King's Speech – Iain Canning, Emile Sherman, and Gareth Unwin
* The Social Network – Dana Brunetti, Ceán Chaffin, Michael De Luca, and Scott Rudin
* Toy Story 3 – Darla K. Anderson
* True Grit – Ethan Coen, Joel Coen, and Scott Rudin
* Winter's Bone – Alix Madigan and Anne Rosellini


Ah, the big nut. Don't get scared now. We've talked about all of these films a bit already, but let's boil them down. 127 HOURS is perfect and triumphant. BLACK SWAN had the audacity to SPOILERS -----------have Portman be turning into a fucking swan. If you're going to be retarded, at least be COMPLETELY retarded and give me a swangirl monster eating everyone that showed up to the ballet. No, we get a regurgitated THE WRESTLER ending. Fuck you, Aronofsky. Stop contributing to the continued ruination of my beloved Wolverine character in film and go peddle your maudlin art house garbage elsewhere. THE FIGHTER is a joke, inside and out. INCEPTION is a good watch, and satisfying entertainment. I'll allow it to hang out here. THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT is one long awkward staredown between the screen and your eyes. THE SOCIAL NETWORK is better than we deserve. TOY STORY 3 is the triumph and crown jewel of the best studio in Hollywood. TRUE GRIT is the Coens delivering on the promise that they are the most consistantly entertaining filmmakers working today and WINTER'S BONE wandered in here probably looking for the bathroom. You're lost, WINTER'S BONE! You have no business in here, take it outside! It's incredibly rare when my favorite movie of the year gets nominated for Best Picture. Hell, three of them made the list this time around. I think the 10 nominees idea is actually starting to work. TOY STORY 3 is the winner in my heart, but realistically I will root for THE SOCIAL NETWORK. Just today I told someone that there is no difference between what you want to win and what should win. Well, this is my blog and in the McWorld, kids rule. So I'm putting it that way.

Now that awards season is over, let's stop pretending that most of these movies were ever actually important and venture into more classic territory...

Which is exactly what we'll do next time on PICTURE START. If any of this opinion actually makes you some money in the Oscar pools, I want my cut.

- D

Best of 2010

Okay, here I am. Starting another blog. It's been a rough time trying to separate from my old Myspace blog. She was my one true. My mainstay. My first. And like Norm said in the last episode of CHEERS, you never truly stray from your first love. Well, here I am. Straying again. Proving George Wendt wrong. In that old blog, you might find several highly acclaimed peices such as that time in Summer of 2008 where I attempted to blog once a day for 30 days about Batman all leading up to the impending release of THE DARK KNIGHT aka the apex of my existence. Or that time in Summer 2009 where I wrote about a few movies that were intended to be blockbusters but were not. That kind of stuff always got tremendous feedback and this is where you're going to find crap like that. Most of my blogs were movie related anyway, so I might as well start a movie blog.



That's where I welcome you to "Picture Start with Derick Armijo". A place where movies will be discussed and dissected and all together celebrated in a jovial and highly offensive manner. I am not going to review everything I see because I see far too many movies and you don't really need me telling you that MORNING GLORY is a pile of garbage. You already knew that. Sure, they'll be reviews of movies in theaters. Movies I love. Movies you're not watching because you're a huge idiot with an enviable social life. And highlights from the best and worst of what I've seen in my past 24 years of life. BASICALLY I'M GOING TO TALK A LOT ABOUT MOVIES, OKAY? Great. Question: Derick what does Picture Start mean and why are you naming your stupid blog? Answer: Picture Start is the frame right before a film starts back when movies were films and shut up.

I usually try to do this every year with varying degrees of success, so what a great time to start a new movie blog what with the Oscars being so near and all. What follows is my list of my top ten favorite movies of the year 2010. Since they are my favorite, they are obviously also the best so get READING!

10. FLIPPED

Directed by Rob Reiner

Screenplay by Rob Reiner & Andrew Scheinman



Rob Reiner is a great of example of one of those directors who showed a great amount of promise with his awesome (and financially successful) movies and somewhere down the line got soft and retarded and made nothing but mishugas for most of the recent past. He's made some good shit though, yo. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, THE PRINCESS BRIDE and the all important tome of boyhood friendship, STAND BY ME. And then there was garbage followed by more garbage followed by ALEX & EMMA. He came back this past Summer with a coming of age tale of romance that takes place in the 1960's. FLIPPED is about a young girl who has a crush on her neighbor who is a little prick who can't process the love of a female. We've all been there right? And we've certainly had enough inner monologue about it to narrate an entire feature film. A lot of people hate excessive narration and unfortunately there is tons of it by the two leads. The girl, Juli is hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't appreciate her or her efforts or her views on life. The boy, Bryce can't handle being the object of affection to such a weirdo. If you have a pulse, you've probably had in your life an attraction to someone or something that gave nothing back to you. The intensity of these feelings is only amplified by youth and feeling them for the first time. It makes them that more confusing and heart wrenching. Hollywood is lousy with stories of unrequited love and the back and forth between total opposites. We've seen this story many times before but Madeline Carroll as Juli gives it a face and someone to root for. We get a living breathing character and get inside her mind and inside her life and we really like it there. We want to tell her she's stupid for liking such a dillhole but that's what she wants so badly. Does that make it something she deserves? Her means to an end will probably lead to heartbreak and disappointment but we want to see her take the leap anyway. This is probably not a movie for everybody. There's plenty to annoy you at first, but under all the jumble is something that really massaged by soul muscles.

9. 127 HOURS

Directed by Danny Boyle

Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy & Danny Boyle



EW! SOMEONE SAWING HIS ARM OFF! TORTURE PORN! I'M NOT SEEING THIS. This is kind of what my mom said about 127 HOURS. I told her it was a story of the triumph of human will. I'm pretty sure she tuned me right out by the time I said "triumph". She was always really good at tuning me out. I remember repeating the words "mom! mom! mom!" into her ear for about an hour while she was reading her romance novels and she would even flinch. She later on made this soundbite the ringtone on her phone when I called. Mama has a cruel memory.

Anyway, we've all heard this movie is about a guy who falls into a cavern and gets his hand caught in a rock. He must cut his arm off to escape or stay there until he dies. Obviously, he escaped because it's a true story and we know of it. Why go see it? You know what happens. Well, Aron Ralston as portrayed in this film by James Franco is the living embodiment of what Madonna was singing about when she was singing that song "Ray of Light". This was a good person. He has done nothing wrong. He lives life to the fullest and is a joy to be around. Early on in the film, he meets some hikers and not only helps them find from getting lost but also shows them some pretty cool shit along the way. He touched their lives in a matter of minutes and as Joan of Arcadia hiker says "We probably didn't even factor into his day". Aron as far as we can tell, is a good person who's only sin is not telling anyone he was going to go to the middle of nowhere and jump into a hole in the ground.

Aron has about five days to really ponder what he's going to miss if and when he dies. Aron was already living an amazing life, you'd figure he'd accept his fate with a minimal amount of fuss. But it wasn't enough for him. He started seeing visions of his past and visions of his future. Lamenting even the smallest of missed opportunities. What it felt like to drink awesome orange soda. What it felt like to be warm. What it felt like to be with his lamewad parents. All things we take for granted. The little cracks and crevasses of life that we often forget about. Just like the one he was stuck in. There was an entire world for him to explore but none more important than the hole in the ground that Aron's fate lies in. It's these small parts of life that Aron is really concerned about, enough to find the courage to mutilate himself in order to be set free.

The movie really makes you feel it's elements in clever ways. When Aron is thirsty or cold, the way he thinks about drinking liquids and feeling heat is present with sounds, color and images. Boyle uses sound to make you feel that nerve that Aron has to cut through in order to free his arm and it's almost like YOUR arm is being sawed off. We will probably never have to make a decision like Aron's to save our lives and appreciate what it means to us. But a story like this can remind us that we may have more inside us than we realize when we have to cut a part of our bodies off so we can live to have our mothers ignore us just one more time.

8. BEST WORST MOVIE

Directed by Michael Stephenson



TROLL 2 is a movie that was the labor of love to a some Italian filmmakers that wanted to tell their story using a few local amateur actors in the Summer of 1989. Their efforts yielded a cult classic that has become beloved and severely mocked by many. This is the story of filmmakers and the cast in the present day and how they are dealing with their new found fame. Upon original release, it was an embarrassment to all involved. Now they must try and understand why anyone would love such garbage or are they just the butt of one big joke? The main focus of the story is the man who played the father in TROLL 2, George Hardy. Now a dentist and respected member of his community, he also is the most fascinating and likable character in a movie in 2010. He is charming and goofy and you can't help but love him. He has moved on with his life and started a loving family and a successful practice and everyone loves him because he is amazing and psychologically stable. TROLL 2 is not an embarrassment to him, but an amusing anecdote to tell his patients. He auditioned on a whim because he felt his heart was always in front of the camera or on the stage. It didn't work out. No biggie!

When the popularity of TROLL 2 started to rise among the midnight movie set, it's youngest star, child actor Michael Stephenson decided to make a documentary about the craze. He not only found our beloved George Hardy but also everyone else. They weren't as lucky as old George and it seems like they are all still chasing the dream while dealing with their inner demons. The small cult like sensation of the movie brought everyone back together for the acclaim they felt they deserved. But it is not acclaim that they fully understand. It's a whole rush of emotions watching these people embrace such a wretched embarrassment in their life. If it brings people joy, is a mistake really a mistake? More on this phenomenon later in the list...

7. YOUTH IN REVOLT

Directed by Miguel Areta

Screenplay by Gustin Nash



I know you are tired of Michael Cera. I know you heard that at a party or read it on a message board and decided that this is one of those ideas that you have to adopt. I get it. You don't have to tell me. But I feel I do have to tell you that you're an idiot. Raspberry Lemonade tastes the same every time I drink it...DELICIOUS. Michael Cera is immensely entertaining. And in this movie we get a double dose of awesome. He plays a loser that meets an insanely hot woman and develops a dangerous alternate personality in order to pursue and keep up with her. It's based off a book, and I'm not sure if I've seen a movie like this before but I want to see more like it. It at least feels original and the comedy comes from a lot of really weird areas. Most importantly it's really funny and had me laughing the whole way through. When I first saw it, I felt it was going to be a sleeper hit and become the next phenom. The passed around college dorms type of movie. Well, they're still passing around NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, so that never happened. But I still feel a cult following could happen for this one. Let's start it now.

6. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

Directed by Chris Sanders & Dean DeBlois

Screenplay by Adam F. Goldberg, Peter Tolan, Chris Sanders & Dean DeBlois



I sort of hate pets. Why? Because animals are dickheads. They're sort of like Kyle Reese's description of Terminators. They can't be reasoned with, they don't feel pity or remorse and they won't stop until you are dead. That's an animal from my perspective. Someone I can't talk out of eating me. This movie is one of the best depictions of pets on screen I've ever seen. Young Hiccup is a Viking who really sucks at being a man. Sure he can build things, but Vikings have no place for creation. Just destruction. He comes into contact with an injured dragon of an incredibly rare breed. The relationship between Hiccup and the dragon can be compared to that of a boy and his dog. Or a boy training a wild bronco. The dragon is an asshole and won't do for any of the boy's foolishness. But it can't fly anymore and needs someone to feed it. So, it will let the boy pet it every once in awhile and because Hiccup is so smart he begins to see how dragons operate up close and personal. See, in Hiccup's world, dragons are mysterious and dangerous creatures who act as the mortal enemies to the Vikings. Because Hiccup is learning about them so much in secret, he is excelling at Dragon Fighting lessons better than the best and bravest in his class. Hiccup becomes closer with his people because of his new pet and a bond between man and beast is forged just in time to battle a common enemy.

The voice cast is flawless and the characters are fun and engaging. The movie is full of imagination. There are different breeds of dragon that look different and do all sorts of cool and awesome things unique to their class. The settings are gorgeous and the action is among the absolute best I've seen in quite some time. The final battle is jaw droppingly intense and only made better in IMAX 3D. A movie like this is the reason to pay that extra money for those dumb glasses because they truly make a difference. As if that wasn't enough, the movie has a surprisingly touching ending that left me swooning for DreamWorks like they were fucking Pixar or something. With this and KUNG FU PANDA, I think the boys over at the Lamp have some serious competition. Good thing DreamWorks also makes tons of shitty Shrek and Madagascar sequels. They make John Lasseter sleep better at night.

5. THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Directed by David Fincher

Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin



A movie about Facebook? What's next? A movie about the ViewMaster? Oh, it's the story of the creation of Facebook? Well, how boring is that going to be? You may have heard this argument a few times when the movie came out and those people are welcome to that opinion. They probably didn't know such an amazing director and writer were involved and even if they did, how interesting could this story be?

FUCK YOU. HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ILL OF THE FINCHER/SORKIN COLLABORATION, YOU FOOL! That is the correct response to the people who are unwilling to be entertained by THE SOCIAL NETWORK. There is not much when it comes to the subtext of the creation of a website that has connected hundreds of millions of people. The people who were responsible for it had their relationships crumble in the wake of it's success. People bringing people together! Getting further apart! Film students, are you listening? In the opening scene of the movie (which is probably the best scene in a movie this year), Mark Zuckerburg let's it known to a pretty young date that he is a judgmental asshole who only cares about being successful and powerful. His rejection by this girl is the catalyst for Zuckerburg's internet empire. Constantly driving him to push it to the next level. In the heartbreaking final scene, he sits by his computer awaiting the confirmation of his friend request of her that will never come. It's such a genius descent into madness that is the perfect exclamation point at the end of a beautifully directed and tautly written masterpiece. Even the score which sounds like modern Clint Eastwood scores is just so enjoyable. Everything about THE SOCIAL NETWORK is tops. The trailer, the poster, the actors, the dialogue. All of it. If you choose to ignore it then God help you that Wes Anderson and Charlie Kaufman make the Twitter movie so you can jump on that bandwagon.

4. BLUE VALENTINE

Directed by Derek Cianfrance

Written by Derek Cianfrance, Cami DeLavigne & Joey Curtis



This is probably the most complicated movie I've seen this past year. A married couple is having some serious trouble with their relationship and we watch it unfold, intercut with how they fell in love in the first place. It's sort of like ETERNAL SUNSHINE how the past and present co-exist with each other. In the past, we see Ryan Gosling fall for a young Michelle Williams. A girl who has grown up surrounded by the loveless and overbearing marriage of her parents. He tries his hardest to appeal to her and slowly but surely it begins to work. In the present, because of recent domestic troubles, Gosling tries to get away for a romantic weekend with his wife. He tries his hardest to appeal to her here as well, but after a few years of disappointment and regret, it's starting to take it's toll on Williams as she tries for what could be the last time to connect with her husband.

It's very easy to fall into demonizing the woman character in this one. Gosling clearly has a lot of love to give and Williams is stuck in her own thoughts for a lot of the time. There's one scene where they both get drunk at a sleazy sex motel and she finally feels comfortable enough to talk with her husband one on one about where they are in life. He's defensive, like he always is and not realizing what a big deal it is for her to open up like this. Her father was a tyrant and she was pretty much raised to keep her mouth shut. She makes a conscious decision here that effects the rest of the movie, and even though our hearts have been cracking the entire time, the final smash plunges us into right into bittersweet numbness. Again, we've seen love stories a plenty from Hollywood moviefilms but rarely does it seem so real and rarely do we feel so invested in two people trying to make it work for themselves.

3. WINNEBAGO MAN

Directed by Ben Steinbauer



Once upon a time, in the Summer of 1989 (the best Summer ever), a video was produced to help sell Winnebagos in the mid-west. This video starred Jack Rebney and the outtakes of this video became a viral video hit. Jack was very annoyed during the making of this video and let it be well documented. He constantly flubs his lines and curses the heat and flies and unseen obstacles that arrive when it comes to producing videos. Filmmaker Ben Steinbauer decided to go and find him. Twenty years later, Jack Rebney is living alone in the mountains with his trusty dog. Seemingly unaffected by his internet fame, as we get closer to him we discover his not-so-silent shame.

Jack is getting older. Going blind. Becoming increasingly angry with a society that never accepted him. He has been miserable for a very long time and doesn't fully understand why a movie is being made about him. At the same time, he's both guarded and wanting to embrace the film. Because it will probably be the last time anyone wants to hear what he has to say. His last chance to connect with the human race. Jack and Steinbauer are in constant argument about the documentary until the climax. A local comedy theater is running a collection of viral videos including Jack Rebney's. Rebney is terrified as he literally comes face to face with his fears for probably the first time in his life. I won't spoil the ending, because I highly recommend you see it yourself. But it goes hand in hand with BEST WORST MOVIE and what happens when people attempt to embrace their embarrassing past. For better or worst, they seem to always find the unexpected.

2. SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

Directed by Edgar Wright

Screenplay by Michael Bacall and Edgar Wright



Probably the most ambitious movie of the year. Slacker idiot Scott Pilgrim falls for a mysterious American courier and must defeat her seven evil exes in order to be with her. Not only that, but it seems that his current girlfriend, his friends, his family and even an ex of his own all have something to say about it. There is so much to say about SCOTT PILGRIM. It's visually gorgeous and supremely exciting. We get to see action unlike anything we've ever seen this side of our Nintendo Entertainment Systems. It has one of the best ensemble casts of young talent that we're going to see for a long time. It has love. It has laughs. It practically dares you to be entertained. But if there is anything that American moving going audiences hate it's BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO.

I can't talk about the awesomeness of this movie without talking about the backlash. Hipsters and geeks alike came together and made a stance against this movie unlike any other. It wasn't TRANSFORMERS or TRON they decided to unite against, it was this. A movie that attempted to capture the imaginations of geeks. Show them something completely different made up of things that are far too familiar. Edgar Wright put a mirror to our faces and a lot of people didn't like what they saw. To paraphrase a quote from NO STRINGS ATTACHED of all places "Some people live like there are no such thing as miracles, and some people live like everything is a miracle". SCOTT PILGRIM is a miracle. Movies like this aren't made, and in this movie making climate probably won't ever be made again. In terms of that quote, this is a movie about the former learning that the latter is true. If there's one thing I resent about my generation is that it exists only to point out how everything is terrible and how smart they are for pointing it out. But I never subscribed to any of that malarky. Life is beautiful and filled with amazing people and surprises. It's worth fighting for. It's worth improving yourself for. We fight these battles every day and there's nothing routine about it. It's epic. It's worth exposing your inner uselessness for. Perhaps it isn't as bad as you thought. Is it ever? SCOTT PILGRIM is sure begging for some of your love, but you know what? It loves you right back, you stupid asshole. You're going to ignore that? Please die, then.

1. TOY STORY 3

Directed by Lee Unkrich

Screenplay by Michael Arndt

Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton & Lee Unkrich



The story of this film is a lot more important for this generation than we realize. We live in an age where nostalgia is bigger than ever. We walk into the mall and we can buy a surprisingly tremendous amount of merchandise from things we loved as a child. It becomes a bigger and bigger monster because we keep feeding it. We choose to live in the past because we remember better days gone by, and refuse to believe that it will ever be that good again. Let's face it, the 80's was the most entertaining decade in the history of mankind. So much of current culture is based on that fact. Andy has kept his toys around throughout his teens (albeit tossed aside in a box) and when he finally moves out of the house for college he decides to take his beloved cowboy doll with him (good luck getting laid with that in your dorm, Andy) while throwing the rest in the attic for a lifetime of collecting dust. In the final scene, Andy does something pretty remarkable considering what these movies have spent years telling us. He decides to give his toys to another kid. Even his best one, Woody. But this wasn't entirely his decision. Woody put himself in the box and basically told Andy where the toys will find a good home. For 15 years, Woody's number one goal has been Andy. Get back to Andy. Find Andy. Make Andy happy. Even when he spent years in a box, waiting for Andy to acknowledge him, he still kept desperate hope that one day, Andy would find him again. He's been told several sob stories from other toys about their owners and how it often it ended with neglect. He refused to believe it. Andy was different. We've been told that for three movies by now.

And then Woody finally makes a grownup decision. He decides to give himself away. For the good of his friends. For the good of himself. For the good of Andy. Even Andy is surprised by this but ultimately realizes that this is the way things have to be. And Woody is rewarded for this. He finally is told by Andy what he has meant to him over the years and upon being given to new owner Bonnie, teaches Andy the valuable lesson of letting go of the ones you love and saying goodbye. We can't move forward if we're stuck in the past. We can't become better people. We can't improve. We must always strive to be better. To stop growing is to start dying. The ending of TOY STORY 3 is made all the better because of the history we have with these characters. We've been along for the ride the whole time. It's a unique opportunity to actually have the characters feel like old friends and come full circle with them. It's these rare gem moments that Pixar takes advantage of that makes them the best storytellers in the business. It's hard to realize we must put childish things away in this current culture and become adults. The line between kid and adult is more blurred these days with grown men walking around as Boba Fett in broad daylight and in PUBLIC no less. It's nice to hear someone say "Hey, maybe moving on with your life is cool too". I have so much clothing that I wore in high school right now, and you know what? Maybe it's time I stop wearing this Fantastic Four shirt and head to the Gap. I will see you there.

Thanks for reading. Give a brother a follow and don't forget to listen to Pop Sickles, a weekly podcast I do with Brendan Creecy and come up and see us sometime, live every Friday at 8pm from Kevin Smith's World Famous SModcastle Theater. That's all for now. And remember, if you disagree with me on any of this, write it up in an email and then delete it. Never send it. Ever. Thank you.

- D