The Movie Blog Saga: Best of 2011 - Part 1

Here it is. My top 15 films of the year, pure and true. Let's not waste too much time in preamble. We have much to cover. On we go.


15. WIN WIN

Directed By Thomas McCarthy



This is the story of how a depressed Attorney through shady deals meets a lonely and troubled kid who’s shaky past surprisingly helps him well in the violent art of wrestling. Paul Giamatti is the attorney who also moonlights as a coach for the local high school’s loser wrestling team. Newcomer Alex Shaffer is the boy whom, despite all the hurt that has come from his mother, can’t help but dream of what a normal life with her would be like. Amy Ryan is Giamatti’s perpetually inconvenienced wife who doesn’t want to get in the middle of all this trouble, but refuses to ignore the needs of a helpless kid. Indie film gets a lot of flack for its pretentious views and holier than thou attitude. But I feel it’s when filmmakers like Thomas McCarthy take on the most common themes that we can relate to the most in a real and honest way that Indie is at it’s best. It’s allowed to breathe and move at it’s own pace. Avoiding the studio logic that would dull the finer points that a story like this is trying to make. These kinds of movies didn’t stop getting made, like some cinematic chicken littles would have you believe. It’s just become a bit harder to find them. If anything, the acting ensemble at work here is one of the best of the year and should be recognized as such. While I liked THE HELP a great deal, I feel that WIN WIN should be sweeping up the acting categories as well. But award glory rarely favors the subtler performances.

14. HUGO

Directed By Martin Scorsese



Kevin Smith’s RED STATE has been getting a lot of attention for being such a 180 degree change from his usual fare. But I think the biggest and most emotionally overwhelming turn comes in Martin Scorsese’s HUGO. There’s no question that Scorsese has mastered storytelling and visual panache. But here he’s taken the tired and often reviled gimmick of 3D and mastered that as well. Better than Cameron or Zemeckis or any of those tech mongers could hope to do. The first shot of the movie had me going “Oh, God” as I was swept into a nearly dialogue free sequence that introduces the characters and settings and themes in a breathtaking and exciting way. It doesn’t stop there. The entire movie was expertly crafted for the format. Add that to great performances by Hit Girl and new kid legend Asa Butterfield. A brand new Sacha Baron Coen, providing a comic character unlike anything he’s done with surprisingly little “derp” humor. And the personal touch of Scorsese that ties it all together with a staging of the earliest of cinema. A personal story for all ages with amazing imagery and great performances, all done in a way a director of nearly 40 years has never shown us before. How the hell are you supposed to market that? With a big clock of course.



13. SHAME

Directed By Steve McQueen



One of the opening shots of this movie is of Michael Fassbender’s swinging cock as he goes to the bathroom to take a piss. This ain’t your grandpa’s sex addiction drama, kids. Yes, that is Magneto and yes before the movie is over, someone may get a shot in the mouth. Right away, this movie shows you a slow burn montage of hardcore sex acts. Some with hookers, some with strangers, some with himself, sometimes in his house, sometimes in an alley and sometimes at work. Who wouldn’t be content with such a routine? Well, his sister played by Carey Mulligan (who is introduced via bush) who shares the same kind of easy virtue but a different kind of emotional carelessness as he, enters the fray. She shows up out of nowhere to stay with him for a few days. He’s exposed to a few intimate moments, which includes sexual and emotional. One of which being a very heart wrenching and extended version of New York, New York which she sings in a local nightspot in the city in question. Her presence causes a shift in his ways and he struggles to discover what intimacy really entails. It’s a really rough journey that gets pretty god damn seedy at times. But that’s part of the charm of a movie like this. It gets rough when it gets rough. It doesn’t hold back like any other movie of its kind would, be it studio or indie. It has an NC-17 for the endless gyrations but the movie also has such an emotional stranglehold on the conceptions of one of the most complicated subjects I can think of. The truth of human connection. It’s painful and harsh and I would stress the concept of “Adult Themes” if it didn’t lump people like my mother and uncles into it. On an unrelated note, it’s movies like this that really make me scratch my head when I think “Is there any way that a modern average adult can watch this movie and not completely vomit over it?”. The answer would probably depress me, and I’m guessing the audience for such a film is slim. But hey, it works for me.

12. THE MYTH OF THE AMERICAN SLEEPOVER

Directed By David Robert Mitchell



The Richard Linklater style is alive and well in this film, in many ways. At the same time, this movie feels like SLACKER, DAZED & CONFUSED, BEFORE SUNRISE and SUBURBIA. Shockingly enough, the filmmaker probably doesn’t even realize it. He’s not aping the styles or the dialogue but the aimless drifting between characters and subjects and themes with the same sense of humor. It falls within one of my favorite genres of movie, the “One Night Only”. A film that takes place over a single night where the rules of the characters lives are suspended and life altering epiphanies occur. It’s the last weekend of summer in an everytown in a year that could be any year. Hormones are raging and everybody wants to get laid. This isn’t the high- energy kind of American Pie adventure, though. Everybody is muted and scared shitless, just like in real life. Hearts are put on the line and little adults are forged in the ancient art of trial by fire. I guess this movie could be defined under that made up class of “mumblecore”. It’s almost a documentary in how fluid and genuine the characters deal with the situations and everything they say and all. The teen “One Night Only” movie will always have a special place in my heart and this one comes in a unique little package of subdued hopeless romance. A review on IndieWire made some comparisons with last year’s “EASY A”. That movie feels like it was written by someone that wanted to capture literal EXACT moments in their favorite 80’s movies. This movie feels like it captured the spirit, and feels all the more genuine for it. There’s a lot of good acting talent to pool from in this movie. Why doesn’t Sony cast everyone in this as “Spider-Man”? I would totally see that.

11. TRUST

Directed By David Schwimmer



Here’s another surprising movie that takes a scenario better suited for Lifetime movies and really makes some bold moves with it. And all from the mind of David Schwimmer! It’s about a young girl who falls for a guy through online chats. At first he presents himself as a similar age as her. The responsible dad played by Clive “I will NOT be James Bond” Owen is keeping vigilant. But the truth starts breaking down and eventually she meets up with a man in his 30’s that manipulates her into sex and then takes off forever. On the surface is a story that you would have seen on any news magazine like program. Teen girl lured by online predator. But the movie decides to explore other parts of the story. The girl is still hung up on her attacker who has cut all contact with her now that the police are looking for him. Her father throws himself into the search and tries to fill in the cracks that someone used to enter his daughter’s life. But she doesn’t understand what happened to her and continues to be infatuated while growing a consistent resentment for her father. It’s a can of worms that is gut wrenching and hard to watch but the cast is stellar and Ross from FRIENDS is proving to be a really decent talent behind the camera. He directed a comedy with Simon Pegg a few years ago, but he seems to nail drama much better. This pearl clutching salacious tale quickly transcends its pulpy wrapper and becomes a story about a family going through a horrible moral dilemma. The final scene is altogether truthful and satisfying and cements the characters as being living, breathing human beings. Again, another movie that will probably be an uncomfortable watch to screen at family Christmas dinner, but really well done.

10. CONTAGION

Directed By Steven Soderbergh



Steven Soderbergh is one of those indie talents that can ride the wave between small budget experimental film to big budget studio movie. He’s even become popular enough to attract big names and big talents to star in both kinds. In this one, he takes the disaster movie model from the 70’s and plugs it into his own style. CONTAGION is about a super virus that is spreading quickly from many points of the globe. We follow the stories of the government agencies trying to find a cure while stopping the spread, to the families that are affected by widespread death, to the media’s part in hurting or helping the people of the world’s preparedness. The movie itself is constructed in a very panic inducing way. A way that makes you think twice about how you interact with the world and how vulnerable you can be in your everyday routine. It’s true horror. At least the closest thing to horror that Soderbergh will ever attempt. The virus doesn’t turn you into a zombie. There are no aliens invading. You just get it and you die. Confusion turns into hopelessness which turns into desperation in a very convincing manner in this movie. And the scariest way you can present a horror story is by displaying just how easily it can happen to you. In fact, a lot of people were afraid to see it because of how germ phobic they are. That’s kind of cooler than being afraid to see a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY or exorcism movie. Not everyone believes in a ghost but everyone does believe in a cold.

9. BEING ELMO

Directed By Constance Marks & Philip Shane



The true spirit of the Muppets and the real passing of the torch occurs in this movie. A rather touching documentary chronicling the life of Kevin Clash, voice and puppeteer of mega Sesame Street star, Elmo. What I was expecting was a story about how someone deals with being the man behind such a popular children’s character but what I got was much more. That story is there, but his humble origins are what were truly fascinating. Clash grew up idolizing Jim Henson and his Muppets and starting from a very young age, started building his own puppets and performing his own characters. We get to see how a truly nerdy hobby and passion got him to where he felt he belonged, rubbing elbows with the original Muppet crews and designers and eventually meeting his hero, Jim Henson. And not just meeting with him, but working and collaborating with him at the height of his creative output. We then get into the huge phenomenon that was Elmo and what it’s like now to be one of the head Muppet guys in charge of Sesame and one of the last remaining bits of the Henson crew. I liked Jason Segel’s THE MUPPETS just fine, and this movie kind of mirrors that story in reality. I wish this kind of movie could get a normal theatrical run because there’s no reason why the people that enjoyed THE MUPPETS wouldn’t enjoy this even more.

8. DRIVE

Directed By Nicolas Winding Refn



Every year a movie comes out that becomes the “You either loved it or hated it” point of contention at parties and drink shin digs and hug fests. This year, that movie was DRIVE. Marketed as a FAST AND THE FURIOUS type of heist thriller, most audiences were disappointed when that sat back and were instead subjected to ONE OF THE COOLEST MOVIES EVER MADE. Right away the sweeping shots of a lit up Los Angeles lure you in and the heart pounding opening scene draws you further. Just when you least suspect it, right when you’re trying to catch your breath, Ryan Gosling looks directly into the camera and says, “Derick, this one is for you.” And one of the best opening credit sequences anyone would ever hope to make finally hooks your stupid drooling mouth and pulls you up to the surface for scaling. That music. Those visuals. That font. Mwah! We have successfully harnessed the power of 80’s cool and plugged it into our world. And we didn’t need to make one Super Mario reference to do it. The character earns his theme in mere minutes and the movie already takes a victory lap. Now, this was one of the most annoying movies to watch in theaters and I did it several times. There was always some impatient Hamburger Jones that tried to scream at the movie and make everyone laugh. I think it’s all the sugar and calories in that movie theater food that makes people so hyped up at the movies. Just shut up and listen. But that’s a big criticism I heard of the movie, that it was slow and blank. I have to agree that the story is fairly basic and the kind of pace the movie takes is highly irregular for it’s genre. But the style had me riveted the entire time. It blended wonderfully with this new wave 80’s synth pop rock soundtrack, which I’ve listened to endlessly. And then there’s Ryan Gosling knocking it out of the park by creating a new cool pop culture icon. Carey Mulligan and Albert Brooks are great in it. And my stars, this is one of the most beautiful movies I’ve ever seen. After the first few viewings, you get rewarded with hidden stuff and I’ve read things like every time the shot gets super saturated and bright, we’re seeing what the Driver is seeing in his mind and not necessarily what’s actually happening in reality. Even down to it’s core, it’s appealing in that it’s every modern day superhero story of the brooding loner putting his neck in harm’s way to protect his beautiful love interest. The soundtrack seems to be cheering Goslingon as he gets into his scrimps and scrapes and even often providing commentary on his fate as he drives the lonely streets of the vast expansive valleys of Los Angeles. I don’t understand why anyone would deny themselves the wonder and beauty of this movie. In the immortal words of George Carlin, “These motherfuckers ain’t cool, they’re just fuckin’ chilly”.

7. THOR

Directed By Kenneth Branagh



Speaking of superheroes, I hear tell that our friend Thor started out as one in the pages of silver age Marvel comics. Thor is nobody’s favorite superhero. We know of him because they vaguely based the character on Nordic legend and because sometimes he is in the background when Spider-Man and Wolverine kill people. He talks funny and he has long hair like a girl. He lives in the sky. No one is responding to this. But Marvel Studios wanted to release several stand alone films to introduce the characters that would make up their big 2012 blockbuster, THE AVENGERS. Marvel Studios has done a great job at hiring excellent creative yet not entirely A-list talent. They got Jon Favareu for IRON MAN. Joe Johnston, the director of THE ROCKETEER for their similarly patriotic 1940’s hero, CAPTAIN AMERICA. Joss Whedon directed THE AVENGERS and the one and only Shane Black is making IRON MAN 3. For this, they got the veteran Shakespearean actor/director Kenneth Branagh to show us all what kind of a namby Thor was. But Namby he is not. Chris Hemsworth plays the God of Thunder through a classic dramatic arc like a pro. He broke our hearts in the first five minutes of 2009’s STAR TREK playing the ill fated captain of the SS Kelvin and father to James T. Kirk, but you can’t predict someone can carry a movie based on that, can you? Well, carry he does. In Thor’s magical realm of Asgard, he is to be named king by his retiring father, Odin. But trouble causes everyone’s plans to halt. We meet Thor as a big and boisterous asshole who’s pride and boner for horrific violence causes him to break a treaty with the frost giants and inadvertently start a war between the realms. For his childish actions, Odin banishes him to Midgard (Earth), stripped of his powers but also sent his mighty hammer, Mjolnir, with the caveat that only who is truly worthy can pick up the hammer and possess the power of Thor. So Thor arrives on Earth confused and ready to fight. He takes to our humanly ways with a precocious yet charming condescension. Meanwhile, his brother, Loki the God of Mischief is making strides to take over the throne of Asgard for himself. There is tons of dramatic dialogue and imagery that in the wrong hands can come off horribly, like that Baz Luhrman Romeo + Juliet movie. But Branagh’s direction adds a subtle gravitas that blends the movie’s tone with the actor’s performances to a pitch perfect degree. Add that Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleson (Loki) are pretty f’in amazing. There are two scenes in particular where their chemistry is dazzling as the effects are. When Loki briefly visits Earth and lies to Thor about their father dying and having to enforce that Thor can never ever return, you can see in Hemsworth’s face the tremendous guilt and disappointment in himself at his fate and then you want to marry him when he humbly accepts it. The second is towards the end where the two brothers face each other with their agendas out on front street. The dialogue is very heavy and Shakespearean but they carry it pretty well. Hemsworth takes Thor from being a horse’s ass to being a funny horse’s ass to losing everything he’s ever known to heroic sacrifice all the way to epic hero. A lot of wacky crap is thrown at him. He has to handle such a grand fantasy and then being a product of such in a real modern world. Even those settings by themselves weren’t as shocking a shift as I thought it would be. The filmmakers ease you into the fantastic and you are comforted to a point where you can just enjoy the ride. I didn’t expect to love another Marvel movie as much as IRON MAN but this comes very close. I really can’t wait to see how it comes together next summer.

6. THE CATECHISM CATACLYSM

Directed By Todd Rohal



You have never seen or heard of this film as it grossed a total of just over a thousand dollars in its theatrical release. A few years ago, Jody Hill’s OBSERVE & REPORT made my best list and if that movie were the hit it deserved to be, then THE CATECHISM CATACLYSM, which he produced, would be a huge holiday release. Part of the fun of this movie is that there is no way of telling what is going to happen next. I saw it as a double feature with PUNISHER: WAR ZONE at the New Beverly and had zero idea what this movie was. So I will be brief in explaining the plot. A priest who has idolized one of his sister’s old boyfriends for years, finally gets together with him for a special canoe trip. While getting the shits from too much appetizers he accidentally drops his bible in the toilet and fails to retrieve it. What happens after that is a series of bizarre and hellish situations that test the sanity of our poor hero. This movie is painfully funny and surprising with fair amounts of disturbing. It is unleashed comedy without mainstream rules to tame it that actually becomes an artistic oddity instead of a miserable failure. You need to just trust me on this and find it and then thank me for being your Sheppard.

5. LIKE CRAZY

Directed By Drake Doremus



One of the hardest things about growing up besides being ashamed to drink orange soda in public is realizing that just because you have found somebody you connect with and have much love for, that sometimes you aren’t meant to be together. In the unfortunately titled, LIKE CRAZY, director Drake Doremus gives us the love story of our time. Little Anton Yelchin meets little Felicity Jones and an instant attraction turns into whirlwind romance that results in the main characters saying “Fuck a visa” and spending an amazing summer in Los Angeles together. When British Felicity Jones goes back to her home country for a brief holiday, she’s flummoxed to learn that she can’t go back to America for breaking her Visa limits. What follows is a years long affair trying stay together despite their lives drifting them further apart. This among most movies on this list made me look forward to acting performances again in movies. The creative talent behind the film is what makes me look forward to things, but Felicity Jones broke my soul about five times during this movie and she has a new fan for life in this dude. The ending of the film may be one thing, but everyone I know that has seen the movie has a different take on it and that leads to exciting conversation where I yell and scream about how wrong they are. I feel like I’ve been through several relationships while watching this movie and since I feel like I have dated Felicity Jones through this movie I’m just going to say that I did.

4. THE DESCENDANTS

Directed By Alexander Payne



The director of ELECTION and SIDEWAYS is a genius. He surrounds his films with a melancholy realism in the midst of hyper kinetic situations. George Clooney plays a father that is absolutely fine with his stagnant relationships in his life. His wife suffers an accident that leaves her dangling by life’s fragile thread, and an ugly secret comes to light in the wake of her potential loss of life. He is now put in the position of telling everyone she loves of her situation while bitterly trudging through her sins, which he is unable to confront her about. Meanwhile, his family is about to sell one of the biggest pieces of undeveloped land in Hawaiian history for a potential fortune of hundreds of millions of dollars. Along with his practically estranged daughters, he does what is asked of him while finally facing who is family really is. It’s a touching story with career performances and a lot of great surprises set in a realistic vision of a perceived paradise. Payne pulls off tons of great characters by actors you never saw coming. His relaxed approach leaves breathing room to let the story and the feelings unfold at a perfect pace. I just wish he didn’t wait 7 years to do this.

3. EXPORTING RAYMOND

Directed By Phillip Rosenthal



The creator of the hit show EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND decided to go to Russia when they were remaking his show for Russian audiences and he documented the entire thing. He didn’t have to go. He is a millionaire many times over and can just enjoy his success by the pool of his Bel Air mansion but he went anyway. He clashed with the Russian comedic schools of thought and the way their entertainment industry worked with one ace up his sleeve. He believed that his work and the comedy had universal themes and he wasn’t going to mold it into something it wasn’t to kowtow to the trends of the country. Well, his artistic integrity succeeds in a blinding ray of optimism and warmth. The world is threaded together just a little bit closer by the foibles of a bickering family. It really did my heart good to see someone stand up for his or her art because they believe it was the right thing to do. Also, Phil Rosenthal wins the George Hardy from BEST WORST MOVIE award for being the most likable person ever in a documentary feature.

2. RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Directed By Rupert Wyatt



Fox ruins franchises and prequels suck. By this arithmetic, the second rebooting of a franchise created in the 1960’s seems like the potential for this to be pretty shitty is high. But RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES creates the best tension of the year with one of my favorite characters of the year. A medically enhanced ape baby named Ceaser is raised to be a super smart charm factory and proves that tests for a new drug to cure Alzheimer’s are positive. As Ceaser gets older, he realizes he does not fit into his world. He is not a pet. He is not a son. What is he? Well, Ceaser’s teen like frustrations lead to a violent outburst when one of his family is attacked on the street and he is sent to an Ape sanctuary that is pretty much Ape Jail complete with rape. At any moment, you think Ceaser is going to break under all the pressure surrounding him and his hyper awareness. But he only rises to each and every challenge with a sharp focus. Ceaser’s destiny unfolds with every riveting and nail-biting scene. Even after all that has come from liberating his fellow monkey, the more obvious outcome becomes a pessimistic afterthought. A lot of people feel that this was a great set up to a traditional PLANET OF THE APES story while ignoring that THIS was an amazing story in it’s own right. I think any building upon such an exciting tale would only disappoint. This was a fresh take on an old moldy series. I think Fox accidentally successfully rebooted something that they weren’t ready to continue.

1. MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

Directed by Woody Allen



MIDNIGHT IN PARIS tackles the subject of nostalgia in a way that spoke to me unlike any of its kind before. It’s about a screenwriter played by Owen Wilson that tags along on his fiancée (Rachel McAdams) and her family on their trip to Paris. He winds up falling head over heels in love with the city. Most women might find this charming, but she finds it grating and immature. He’s working on a novel about a man that works in a Nostalgia Shoppee (two E’s!) and on a drunken walk through the streets manages to travel back in time to the roaring 1920’s. He meets his artistic heroes in F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald. Gertrude Stein. Ernest Hemingway. Salvador Dali. And a young female groupie that’s just along for the ride. They respond to him and his work in exactly the way he hoped they would. They accept him and understand him like no one from his time could. But he constantly gets spit back into the modern world. Eventually, Wilson learns that everyone has his or her own image of a glorified era. I too have rose-colored glasses that I look back onto the past on. And they are flip glasses like Dwayne Wayne in A DIFFERENT WORLD because that era for me is the 1980’s. It was greatest decade for entertainment in the history of anything. I only lived through a little over three years of it and even as a young boy, I would cling to my beloved 80’s icons for comfort. One image in particular is the Mann Huntington Oaks 6, my first movie theater. That’s where I have my first memories of life. Screaming in absolute terror, I ruined everyone’s matinee showing of the original Tim Burton BATMAN movie as the Batwing screamed through the Smylex poisoned sky in 70mm. Decked out in a little yellow fedora and electronic watch that could light up but not contact HQ, I watched Warren Beatty smash in so many heavily make up’d faces in DICK TRACY. From Gremlins to Ninja Turtles, my childhood solidified here as I developed artistic tastes that would forever stick with me. About a year ago, I visited the area where this theater was and it was now a Bed, Bath and Beyond. Standing there again brought upon intense feelings. I felt like I would do anything to see one last film in my own personal movie mecca. I was chasing that high I get when I remembered how amazing those movies were to me at first watch. But then I realized I was building on long faded memories. Glorifying what has been run through my mind over a million times and strengthened by years and years of believing in this idea that it would never be as good as those times and that I never fully appreciated what a dynamic streak of entertainment that was available to me in my youth. In reality, I barely remember those first moments and a lot of the love is fueled by continued years of enjoyment. It’s important to move forward to get the most out of life and much like last year’s #1 film, TOY STORY 3, it expounded the virtues of growing up. Bittersweet, but essential to a healthy existence.

Okay, that took a long time to get together. And there’s still some more attention I want to bring to some individual achievements from last year. But seeing as how the Oscar nominees are only a few hours away from being announced, I will touch upon them a little closer to that big night where we realize we’re letting dinosaurs tell us what to watch. To be concluded!

- D

Worst of 2011: Revenge of the Fallen

I have returned from an extended hiatus to bring you movies you probably rightfully avoided in the first place.

I haven't done one of these in a long time. I keep a list of every movie I've seen in the past year and update it every few weeks or so. It goes from best at the top to worst at the bottom. Problem is, the worst of the year always seems too boring to talk about because that's what ends up at the bottom. Stuff that gave me headaches and bores you so hard you wake up with sleep boners in public and limbs gone numb. I don't really care to talk about the sleep bonery boring movies so I handpicked a bunch of movies towards the bottom that were bad in ways I can get passionate about, for you, the reader.

10. TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON



So uninterested in story was Michael Bay, that he dared to name this movie after a Pink Floyd album. When he couldn't, he deleted a word the title and it still didn't make sense after seeing the actual film. Now, the second TRANSFORMERS movie was probably the worst studio movie I've ever seen. Offensively so. Even though dog shit had permeated every fiber of it's being, you can't say it didn't hold your attention. You've got to respect a movie specifically produced to get parents to buy their kids toys when it becomes an endurance trial for your senses, taste and patience. It’s almost a John Waters movie in how consistently shocking it is. That said, the bar was left pretty high when going into making another one of these. Everyone considered it a waste of time, including the cast and to many extents, Bay himself. He kept calling this one his apology for the second one. I wasn't born yesterday. I wasn't actually going to believe that this was going to be any good at all. In fact, I was hoping that Bay would top himself and deliver something that was somehow even more of a shitstorm than the previous one.

So which movie did he make? Well, the movie starts in the 1960’s where a robot that has the ultimate power or secret or message or some sort of MacGuffin, lands on the moon and JFK himself creates NASA so that they can go to the moon and find out what it is. Excellent start if you’re planning to outshit yourself. But even rewriting history wasn’t as wacky as I wanted it to be. Did he finally make a decent Transformers movie? No. Did he out horrible himself? No. He failed in both ways. This formula lead to some “safe” decisions that became a boring movie. They fired Megan Fox for calling Michael Bay “Hitler” and they hired a Victoria Secret model to be Shia LeBeouf’s girlfriend. The good robots fight the bad robots again. At one point the government puts the good robots on a rocket into space for no real reason and the bad robots massacred humans in major cities and took over. It’s bad enough that the government would get rid of the only weapons we had to fight big evil robots, but it turns out that the good robots never left and were in hiding the whole time. They wanted to make the humans see that they needed them. There isn’t enough sugar in the world I would put in Optimus Prime’s gas tank after a heroic speech explaining this strategy. The good robots eventually take down the bad. So many people die. The US Army fights but is useless. Cleavage is displayed. Time is wasted. Cellphone clocks were checked. What but for the grace of god go us.

9. COWBOYS & ALIENS



This one stings a bit more, but technically, it’s from the WRITERS of TRANSFORMERS 2 and we should have had our guard up. But they also wrote the excellent STAR TREK prequel, which was my number one movie of 2009. And it was directed by Jon Faverau, director of IRON MAN, my number three movie of 2008. Pretty solid. It had Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig being cowboys while the hot and actually talented Olivia Wilde kicked some ass as well. Even my beloved Sam Rockwell was involved. It should have worked. It did not. C&A starts off decent enough. A drifter with no memory and some fancy bracelet is found on the prairie. He is trying to figure out how he got there. When some laser wielding aliens start shooting shit up this small town like they are Dr. Loveless or something, Craig shows up and uses his bracelet to fend them off. Intriguing! Unfortunately, that’s where it peaks. I do love that it shut up the people that said “Cowboys fighting aliens. It writes itself” because obviously any concept could be bungled. But was the concept even that strong? Who was clamoring for this? Remember that short movie that came out five or six years ago where Batman meets The Joker in an alley and then Alien shows up and starts shit and then is killed by Predator and then I think an X-Wing blows them up and gets gobbled up by a sandworm that Beetlejuice is riding. That wasn’t any good. It was just “things you know”. And usually these high concept movies are so wrapped up in their setting that there is no actual substance. You’d figure Jon Favreau would have seen that somewhere but I guess his Iron helmet has an icing problem. At one point, I thought since the title wasn't COWBOYS VERSUS ALIENS that the Cowboys and Aliens would band together in the end to fight something more evil. Like Murky Dismal from RAINBOW BRITE.

8. THE RUM DIARY



Hunter S. Thompson was institution much like MAD Magazine and the Looney Tunes that inspired the younger lads of several generations to begin a love for all things chaotic. Like Hunter S. Thompson, the people that started these things are very dead. But that hasn’t stopped greedy people from keeping it going as ghosts of their former glories in order to make a buck or two. So, we get repackaged and repurposed versions of the things we used to love and they don’t really seem right. THE RUM DIARY was written in HST’s earlier days. So, this could almost be considered a prequel to his popular FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS novel since the main characters are more or less a proxy for himself. They even had Johnny Depp play both characters in each movie. The book while being less manic, still comes with fucked up imagery and chaos in the form of drunken violence that any Gonzo fan will more than likely appreciate. But when stories like this are told by people who don’t understand them, things get watered down and therefore become irrelevant. It could be argued that even Johnny Depp, a so called “keeper” of the legacy could be growing soft and not even realize it when producing this movie. He’s got kids now. He’s got tons of younger fans that love him because he was a Pirate in some movies. He’s got people surrounding him to protect his image. It was this softness that turned THE RUM DIARY into a potential crazy odyssey into a slick and clean product about a REAL ESTATE SWINDLE. I have to write a separate blog about classic characters being adapted for the silver screen to tell a story of a real estate swindle (THE FLINTSTONES, THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES, THE ADDAMS FAMILY), but that’s for another time. Even if the makers of this movie didn’t want it to be as sick and twisted as FEAR AND LOATHING, they certainly wanted to make you think it was in the marketing (which by the way, has got to be remembered as some of the most deceptive marketing of all time). It’s Hollywood’s job to exploit what you love into you giving them more money and this is a perfect example.

7. NO STRINGS ATTACHED



It’s unfair to preface this entry with saying that while GHOSTBUSTERS III was being delayed by Bill Murray, Ivan Reitman made this movie to pass the time. It’s unfair because not only did this movie get made before that one, but it kind of makes Bill Murray to blame for this. The Diablo Cody led “Fempire”, a group of girl writers who write women devoid of empathy, has become a popular resource for spec scripts in recent years and this is one of them. Natalie Portman is doctor who is too busy for relationships and is too irked by the emotion such a thing would entail. Ashton Kutcher plays an aspiring writer freshly dumped by his girlfriend for his dad. He’s lovesick and a hopeless romantic. But that’s not going to prevent him from getting into a situation with Portman where they can meet for fuckings. Portman has a whole apartment full of these kinds of modern women and one token gay that loves it when “They all get on the same cycle” so they can crave for red velvet cupcakes TOGETHER and not feel guilty. There’s no real reason why Portman shouldn’t want to be with such a fine eligible chap like Kutcher’s character, and by the same token, there is no reason why he should want to be with someone who is so clearly focused on herself. I guess this doesn’t stop people in real life either, but does it really have to take the place of my beloved GHOSTBUSTERS sequels?

6. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART I



This is what movie titles look like now. I have seen every TWILIGHT film in a theater. I intended to see them to their conclusion. I think the reason I have stayed on so long is that vampire baseball scene in the first movie. The whole film is filled with the most unintentional ridiculousness that you’d swear some dormant comedy director from the 1980’s had come back under the guise of Catherine Hardwicke to destroy popular cinema from the inside out. I’d buy that Catherine Hardwicke was actually John Landis, because she’s remained consistently awful in the most entertaining way. But none of the films that followed ever came close to the first. I keep hope alive, however. In this one, the vampire guy and the boring girl get married and have a honeymoon on some beach where they fuck and she gets pregnant and comes to term all within a few weeks. This didn’t need to take the whole movie to come across, but it did anyway. Suffice it to say, every time I put one of these movies on the worst of list, I mention how boring the girl is and ask why every single character is so bothered to tend to her every waking need. It doesn’t get answered in this movie either. But there is a part where the very beautiful yet incredibly awkward Kristen Stewart gets in some lingerie for her man and tries to look sexy but it just comes off bizarre. I’ve never seen this happen without comedic intentions and can attest that it was worth the price of admission.

5. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES



I was a fan of the first three movies. The last movie is so big and ambitious that they forgot to end things and got way confusing and weird and it’s nearly three hours long. But I consider it an effort. This movie is a cereal box. It’s Jack Sparrow being shoehorned into an adventure that concerns him very little, that even he seems bored by. I had to be reminded that Geoffrey Rush was in the movie. I had to be reminded a lot of things, it’s almost like I never saw it. Blackbeard and his daughter, Penelope Cruz (who seems to be in a different movie altogether) are in search of the fountain of youth and they need a mermaid’s tear in order to drink and capture the youthiness. They kidnap one and some missionary dude is in love with it. Where is Jack Sparrow again? A mermaid’s tear? Is Trey Parker writing this? It’s a very tired movie that goes through the motions, and Rob Marshall is not an action director. He’s a make up ad director at best. There isn’t enough eyeliner in the world that can shield you from this.

4. ABDUCTION



They tried to make the TWILIGHT actors into movie stars by putting them in other films. They’ve pretty much failed so far. With the vampire and boring girl, they wanted to be in indie melodrama and that didn’t work out. The muscle-y one was the only one with the brains to try to be in some big popcorn movie. So, they wrote him a big action movie in the style of THE BOURNE IDENTITY where he gets to solve a mystery and run around and kiss the girl and punch some dudes. They got John Singleton, a competent director to run the thing and it should have worked, in theory. But the whole thing felt like that movie WINDY CITY HEAT. It’s a movie made because Jimmy Kimmel tricked one of his friends into thinking he was cast as the lead in this big action movie, and the whole cast and crew were in on the joke as they kept making him think the movie they were making was real. It felt like everyone was taking the TWILIGHT kid by the hand and shoving him into each scenario. At no point did he look capable or comfortable in the spot light. He just had zero charisma or charm or mystery about him. I guess this movie gets extra points for being the one shot at a career for someone and watching them totally blow it. That comes around again later in the list.

3. SHARK NIGHT



I know you shouldn’t expect much from a late August horror release starring Aquamarine, but the villain (not the shark) of the movie explains Shark Week as inspiring his plan and greed, and that kind of work deserves to be noticed.

2. BATTLE: LOS ANGELES



I love movies set in Los Angeles. I love seeing the places I’ve been to and the streets I drive on every day. This movie was shot in Tennessee. And even if it was shot here, you couldn’t tell anyway because this is one of the dustiest brown movies I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen THE BOOK OF ELI. Why do filmmakers make movies brown and hard to see? It’s like a fad. And even if you could see, the alien ships are the same alien ships you saw in: INDEPENDENCE DAY, WAR OF THE WORLDS, TRANSFORMERS, DISTRICT 9, SKYLINE, COWBOYS & ALIENS and every other movie with an alien invasion that was made in the last ten years. And even if the ships were cool and fun to look at, they’d still be blowing up some of the most boring soldiers ever written. Even the title is boring. It was designed to be boring. It’s a placeholder for FIGHTING: A PLACE. They wanted to make this a series of that kind of thing. COMBAT: NEW YORK and FRACAS: SEATTLE. Nothing new. Nothing watchable. I give it two sleep boners.

1. GREEN LANTERN



A lot of people have been surprised when I told them that this was the movie I felt was the worst one to get released in the year of our lord, 2011. I then ask them if they’ve seen it, and they always say “No”. Much like Christ, I have dealt with GREEN LANTERN so you never have to. Very rarely is a movie so devoid of any redeeming value that at least one little scrap of it isn’t worth seeing albeit for it’s unintentional humor, it’s intentional humor, it’s downright bizarreness or just plain shock. GREEN LANTERN has none of those things, or is, collectively all of those things. Nah. It truly is the soulless cash grab that it appears to be. It features a hero that nobody really likes, a villain that doesn’t really have a plan, and a vague black thing in space that…might eat Earth? Think of it this way. Would you care about Batman if he could create anything that popped into his head. And a big black cloud marked “Evil” showed up and wanted to eat everything. And then 50,000 other Batmen showed up who are all way cooler and have way more experience than he does. The character seems inherently flawed. We can be having the same conversation about IRON MAN right now, because there really isn’t much to that character, either. But that movie was elevated by the talent involved. Van Wilder and Serena Vanderwoodsen are not the talent you get behind to make something much better than what it actually is. And that’s another interesting point of the movie. Ryan Reynolds has been circling stardom for a very long time now. No one was ever sure what to do with him, but his boyish look and somewhat comedic demeanor hinted at raw star power. They tried making him a comedic foil and then the comedic darling. It didn’t work. They tried him as the romantic lead to middling results. This was his big chance at a franchise and a solidified place in Hollywood history as an action hero. This was supposed to be his summer. This was supposed to be his DIE HARD. He even had a big studio comedy scheduled for late in the summer and it was supposed to be the one two-punch that made Reynolds the new “it” boy. Even if the movie was just bad, it could still have some aftermarket value for late night viewing. But it was just so chiseled out of any personality or excitement or unique quality that the end product seems pretty blank. Everything about it seems disingenuous. Even when he’s walking around in costume, he looks like a fan photoshop. To hate this movie, is to list a staggering amount of anachronistic events and how they were conceived in a manner that would be the very most confusing. All done in a bland and unfunny way. Even just saying the two words, GREEN LANTERN together doesn’t seem to amount to any sense.

Up Next: Best of 2011! Done it much more grand fashion than I’ve ever done before! Which is to say, a timely one.

- D

Princess of my Heart: The Princess Diaries 10th Anniversary retrospective

In August of 2001, this nation was blissfully unaware of how soon one of history’s greatest tragedies was going to befall them. RUSH HOUR 2 was released on August 3rd, 2001 to great success. The movie going audience came together as one to agree that yes, we understand the words coming out of Chris Tucker’s mouth. But another film was released that day that had far more impact than a mediocre east meets west fusion of fighting and sass back. That film introduced the world to a young Miss Annabelle Katrina Hathowitz. Better known under her stage name. Anne Hathaway.



THE PRINCESS DIARIES may not seem like it’s target audience was 14 year old boys, but it certainly targeted a 14 year old Derick Armijo with it’s trailer’s promise of panty hose humor, lipgloss hijinx and the most beautiful woman to ever step down from the heavens.



Watching the trailer again gives me the Phantom Menace bumps all over my arms. As I am sure none of you ever bothered, here comes my interpretation of the events of this landmark film. Young Mia Thermopolis is a dorky teenager who was cursed with the physical afflictions of frizzy hair and bespectacled eyeballs. For this, society has deemed her a monster. Her only friends seem to be a spunky loud mouth played by Weiner Dog and her garage band fronting brother who is the little brother of Jason Schwartzman and actual member of the band Rooney. They are the only solace she finds when being berated and humiliated by Mandy Moore. She wasn’t playing Mandy Moore but it would have been appropriately meta if she did. Mia is very much a female Peter Parker. A hapless schlub who was content with her life and her place in the world until her fate presents itself.

Having never known her father, her paternal family history always remained a mystery. Until her Grandmother shows up to town and reveals herself as Queen of the country of Genovia. And seeing as how her son and heir is dead, informs Mia that she is a Princess and is next in line for the throne. SHUT. UP.



How does a girl deal with this information? NO TIME FOR THAT, WE’VE GOT TO MAKE THIS UGMO OVER! In the grand tradition of Disney ruining the female perception of their own image, the Queen orders that they change everything about Mia. The way she walks. The way she talks. The way she eats. And various other ways to impress important white people. It was only a matter of time before they decided to tame Mia’s wild locks and throw some contacts on her so the emperor of Japan doesn’t throw the fuck up at important UN functions.



When something like this happens to a teenage girl, it’s bound to upset the pecking order in her high school. Again, perpetuating the best in women, the most popular girls take this as a threat of aggression and work further to destroy Mia. Unfortunately Facebook and sexting didn’t exist back then. In girl world, this is akin to a time before nuclear weapons when the only means of battle were with spears and swords. Now, the royals want all of this business kept under wraps so they can officially announce Mia as the future Queen of Genovia at the Genovian Independence Day Ball, conveniently held in San Francisco, California. Well, it leaks out anyway and everyone wants a piece of Mia. Especially Erik Von Detton, (THAT’S MOVIE VERSION OF WALLY CLEAVER TO YOU AND ME) who wants a piece of dat royal azz. He drops Mandy Moore to take Mia to a school sanctioned beach bash. Which is fine, because Mia ditched her best friend’s cable access show and her brother’s date to go. I would probably enjoy the beach more if there were the promise of bashes. But anyway, he takes her sailing and waltzes her around the dance floor a bit before he puts the moves in. The press finds her and Erik wants to kiss her in front of everyone, but she ain’t having it. In this scene, Mandy Moore and other bitches fake an attempt to help Mia evade the papa-paparazzi and end up leaving Mia with her cheese in the wind. This is really close to sexting everyone a picture of your naked body. Kudos Mandy Moore for being ahead of your time.



If Spider-Man had Green Goblin, then Princess Mia had tabloid photos of her making out with dudes and being nude on the beach. This kind of behavior being unprincesslike, the Queen chews her a new royal asshole. Mia decides she’s not up to the trials and tribulations of her title and decides to abstain from her royal duties. But that’s not all she loses. Her friends think she’s totally a b for blowing them off for the popular kids. Before the ball, the Queen gives Mia what I liken to He-Man’s power sword, Captain America’s shield or Thor’s hammer. She gives Mia the titular Princess Diaries, a gift from her late father to write down all her hilarious teenage thoughts. It’s here, that Mia has a serious crisis of faith and contemplates running away to avoid the disappointment of publicly renouncing her princess status at the ball. Mia finds a special message from her father (FROM BEYOND THE GRAAAAVE!) which is a true “With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility” that lights a fire under her ass to face the music and accept her destiny as ruler of a small but sovereign nation.



This movie had me so hard at this point that her speech was the equivalent of Neo’s “I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin” speech at the end of THE MATRIX. But instead of hanging up a phone and flying into the sky like Neo to Wake Up by Rage Against the Machine, Mia does the robot to Myra’s Miracles Happen. And they do. When you believe.

And like the Matrix, the movie was followed by a disappointing sequel that I barely remember but it has the new Kirk in it.

THE POINT IS that this movie started a decade long crush with Miss Hathowitz that continues strong to this day. And what’s my 10 year anniversary present? She’s going to Catwoman next summer in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. I must have pleased some sort of movie deity. She remains the most beautiful woman in the world and it’s going to take several sweatshop scandals and a hit and run infanticide for me to turn on her. Here’s to the next ten years, Anne. Hopefully by then we’ll be married and you’ll be blogging about me! Oh, Anne. you can wear as many stupid goggles as I want. You will always be first in my heart.

- D

In Blackest Night: a GREEN LANTERN review

Okay, what is a super hero movie? Seemingly ordinary fellow with discernible potential is given great powers in order to strike a balance in the karmic forces of the universe (or specifically, their universe). Hero is reluctant to accept this task, as it comes with a certain amount of sacrifice. The encouragement from trustworthy supporting characters or foreboding circumstances forcing hero to act (or both) push the hero into action, and it is in battle he realizes that he has what it takes to overcome the threat of a central antagonist.



GREEN LANTERN has none of that.

If you choose to go see GREEN LANTERN this weekend, you are most likely doing it as some sort of gamble. Because you don’t know who Green Lantern is. Even comic book geeks who wear his symbol on their shirts don’t know who he is. I read comics all the time as a lad, and kind of still do. I couldn’t tell you my favorite Green Lantern story because I never really read it. Over the past few years, Green Lantern has gained a newfound popularity with comic book readers because of several label wide story arcs that featured a whole manner of colored lanterns.



It took Blue Lanterns and Red Lanterns and Orange Lanterns to finally get people to pay attention to it, so it really isn’t fair to say that the character is popular right now. Shirts with funny symbols are popular right now. So, let me give you a brief history on the kind of thing you might decide to watch this weekend.



Hal Jordan is a sassy test pilot with a tendency for reckless behavior. When a dying alien crash-lands on Earth, he seeks out Hal and bestows upon him, a ring of great power. His ring. With this alien’s death, he has bequeathed the duties and powers of the Green Lantern onto Hal. A replacement for his neck of the universe. The Green Lanterns are basically space cops, stationed all around outer space and Hal has been chosen to protect our solar system. The ring he is given gives him the power to dream up anything and make it come true via ring power. Great! The possibilities are endless! So, let’s get into the movie. I'm not sure what I'm about to post should be called spoilers since you've seen this movie in the trailers already. There isn't much more to it.



First off, Hollywood has been trying to make Ryan Reynolds happen for over a decade. They’ve tried making him a comedy star, but he’s not exactly funny. They’ve tried to make him a romantic lead, but he’s not exactly charming. And now they’re trying again with making him an action star in possibly his biggest role yet. But he’s not exactly exciting. The idea of Ryan Reynolds sounds good on paper. Look at that, name! Flashy! And I swear I’ve heard him say something funny once. Right? But the awful truth is. After many a year trying to make him fit in, it’s just not working. He’s just off. He’s enough so that you think that, any minute now, he’s going to do something worth putting him in a movie for but it just never happens. He even LOOKS a little off. Sure, he’s handsome but he’s noooooot quiiiiite Clooney or Pitt or Damon. Or any member of Ocean’s Eleven for that matter. For some reason, Hollywood keeps giving this guy another shot. But this time, he may have to cash out. He beat out Justin Timberlake (duh) and Bradley Cooper (snuh?) for this role, and while I am confidant that Cooper may have brought something to this role, he probably dodged a bullet. Now, I’m gonna try to recall the plot, right now. I just got home from seeing it, but I feel I’m forgetting more and more by the second.



The movie starts explaining why the Green Lanterns exist, and how old they are. We are told that their greatest weakness is the yellow energy of fear, which has manifested into this big face cloud called Parallax. Parallax joins the elite club of movie “bad juice” types like the mood slime in GHOSTBUSTERS II and the suicide wind from THE HAPPENING. It’s just bad, people! Concentrated badness. This alien named Abin Sur tries to stop it but gets injured and tries to seek out a replacement for himself before he dies. On Earth, guy named Hal Jordan is in bed with a hot lady and OH, NO! He’s late for something important! He says something dismissive to her and leaves. Everybody at Ferris Aircraft is waiting for him. He’s a test pilot, you see. It’s an important day. They’re bidding for an important contract and HAL IS LATE. Renegades never seem to have much respect for anybody’s schedule. Everyone is mad at him, but how can they stay mad for long? This is a guy named Hal Jordan we’re talking about. Blake Lively plays the love interest, Carol Ferris, daughter of the guy who owns the aircraft company. She’s a test pilot too and their job today is to beat these unbeatable drones. Hal manages to do it while sacrificing his partner and destroying his plane. Here is where they want to emulate Kirk’s victory over the Kobyashi Maru test in STAR TREK. Hal will do WHATEVER it takes to win. The perfect quality needed in a Starfleet captain. I mean, test pilot. What? Whatever, the government is still rewarding the contract to Ferris even though Hal’s a dick that doesn’t know how to work with others or treat the equipment with respect. We just nailed him as a sociopath. Quick, give him a god ring.



So, Hal’s actions have really no barring over the government contract. We just know that’s he’s crazy at this point. We then bring the movie to a grinding halt by having Hal attend his nephew’s birthday party. Hal Jordan’s dad died in a test pilot accident. His family likes to remind him of this a lot. Can Hal ever live up to his amazing (?) father’s legacy? Well, he’s alive. So, yes he can. Abin Sur shows up and gives Hal the ring. This is played out with zero sense of wonder or profundity. The first time he does the oath and powers up the ring, he stops everything to have a drink with Blake Lively. Which, if you ask me, is the true test of any man. Be a super hero, or get drunk with Blake Lively? I would love to hear the results of this poll. The answers will shock me. Meanwhile, the government contract dude has a son played by John Malkovich played by Peter Sarsgaard. He is called in to give the autopsy on Abin Sur because the government done found him dead in a swamp. He gets infected with the Parallax super fear that killed Abin Sur and starts to get a little NUTTY! We have no sort of context on what kind of person this character (Hector Hammond) is before he’s given a super brain other than he likes to put Tabasco sauce on his snacks. I feel in superhero movies, showing what a character is like before being thrust with greatness is crucial towards showing their motivations. The entire point of the character is who he was before and how it affects him now. NO TIME FOR THAT NOW, HIS HEAD IS GETTING BIG AND ENTERTAINING. The ring has been on Hal and charged up for the entire time he has been drinking with Lively, but decides to start working when a couple of drunks start messing with Hal. The first time we see Hal use his Green Lantern powers, it’s on a couple of DRUNK TOWNIES using a big green fist. Pretty amazing imagination on the filmmaker’s part. At this point, Hal is beamed up to Oa, the planet headquarters of the Green Lantern Corps. Here, Hal is taught what the audience has pretty much already figured out for themselves by a bird fish head alien who is also a Green Lantern. Okay, this might be fun. Seeing Hal train and all. Kilowag is a big alien Green Lantern who trains the rest of the Lanterns. But not today. Now, he’s just going to beat the shit out of Hal and call it training. Sinestro, one of the wisest and honored Green Lanterns also does this. Now, Sinesto doesn’t really have much to do and doesn’t really belong in this story. But he becomes Hal Jordan’s Arch Nemesis in the comics. And they want to establish that he was a good guy first in this movie, so that it will be some sort of a shocking notion that he’s the villain when they never make the second movie. They pretty much only set up that he exists, and that they didn’t have enough sense to make him not goofy looking.



Hal takes the training too hard and decides to quit. But the Lanterns never get the ring back. He flies back to Earth and shows off to Blake Lively that he gets to wear a CGI suit. She’s very impressed. A little too impressed. He never really does anything to show her what he can do. Or the audience. Or anybody. Everybody’s just really excited to be in the movie. At a big party celebrating the Ferris contract, Hector Hammond gets mad at his dad and uses psychic powers to damage his helicopter. Green Lantern decides it isn't enough to just stop the helicopter, but to put it on a Hot Wheels track, complete with toy car, and zip the helicopter around the party for a little bit. What a hero. Making a helicopter land. That is some exciting stuff.

Hammond returns to the lab where he examined the alien body because he isn’t feeling too well. His head is swelling and he’s starting to look goofy. He attacks all of his handlers when they defy him and Green Lantern shows up out of nowhere and they have a no-battle. Green Lantern leaves and even after killing a bunch of people in a government lab, Hammond makes it home to his apartment to have more night terrors. Back on Oa, Sinestro has convinced the blue yoda bosses that he must make a ring from yellow energy to combat Parallax and because they seem to not care about anything that happens in this movie at all, they let him. When Sinestro first told them that Parllax was coming, their response was “Damn. It’s all over, I guess”. Hal shows up and says “I unquit. Please help me because Parallax is in Peter Sarsgaard and he’s gonna eat my planet” and they say “do it yourself” even though the Lanterns' prime concern is Parallax and they need to stop him. They have the same problem and will not work together to solve it. Sad.



Hammond kidnaps Blake Lively because the movie decided that they all knew each other as kids and he’s jealous of Hal and her because sometimes they fuck. He stashes her in the super brilliant, highly elaborate death trap of “hanging in the air with his mind” with a syringe to her neck. His plan is to make her like him. It works two ways. She will be super brilliant and psychic like him and she’ll be so ugly and goofy looking that Hal wouldn’t want her anyway. That second thing is a real thing and probably the one Hammond cared about the most. Green Lantern shows up and fools Hammond into losing and then Hammond gets eaten by Parallax. Parallax is gonna eat the town next and Green Lantern shoots green at him until he decides to throw Parallax into the sun. Using the exact same green fist as he fought the drunk townies with. And the other Green Lanterns just watch and clap at the end when he’s done. Team work! Blake tells Hal that she’s very impressed that his mask disappears and reappears like an action figure in hot and cold water RIGHT AFTER HE THREW AN ALIEN CLOUD INTO THE SUN. Blake, she’s not so bright. The movie ends with a completely arbitrary scene of Sinestro putting on the yellow ring for no reason. The crowd ate it up. The posters are entirely made up of Hal Jordan and his fellow alien Green Lanterns and they were barely in it and refused to fight with him.

Hal Jordan’s presence in this movie is completely unnecessary as none of his actions affect the story or characters. Hell, there are literally 500 other Green Lanterns in this movie. All that could have done what he did, and probably much better. It’s a perfect mix of bad premise, bad filmmakers, bad actors and bad visual everything. The perfect mistake. Does it really make sense to make a movie about a super hero who has tons of other counterparts that can do the exact thing he can do? I just watched those Green Lantern cartoons that they made recently. And you can either make a Green Lantern movie where he’s protecting Earth or working together with the other Lanterns on some big space adventure. In this movie, the two don’t mix at all. It’s like two different horrible movies for the price of one ticket. This movie has zero energy or momentum or thought or effort or anything in it. It’s dead on arrival. Lifeless and pointless. I rarely do this, but I would recommend you avoid it all together. It’s not even worth being curious about. If I had to compare it to another superhero movie, I would compare it to 1990’s CAPTAIN AMERICA movie where they had a pointless villain and no money to do anything worthwhile so they just kind of stand around a lot. The difference being that this movie DID have money. Ryan Reynolds stood around A LOT in that CGI suit of his. Just burning off 200 million dollars. Every frame of the movie where he is in costume looks like a fan photoshop. Green Lantern hardly does a thing in this movie. It’s shocking. It's probably the worst superhero movie ever made with actual resources behind it. At least BATMAN & ROBIN had a Max Headroom version of Alfred. Okay, I’ve put more thought into this than any of the moviemakers did. Time to stop the madness.



GREEN LANTERN gets * out of ****

If that Jim Carrey penguin movie ends up being better than this, time will stand still.

- D

SUPER 8 thoughts!

I saw SUPER 8 tonight at a promotional screening with free popcorn, free soda, A FREE HAT and two of my favoritest movie geek friends. This was my most anticipated movie of the year and I had a great time. How was the movie? I posted some brief non-spoilery thoughts elsewhere, and I figure I'll post them here too.



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Things I love about SUPER 8:

The kids are awesome.

Elle Fanning is especially awesome.

The SUPER 8 theme and the rest of the score was great.

The end credits are pretty genius.

Glynn Turman is back in a very similar to GREMLINS type role. (he's on that poster!)



Other Stuff:

After the train crash things slow down a bunch and things get aimless. There is a lot of JURASSIC PARK and a lot of CLOVERFIELD and E.T. going on, but the difference here is that those movies created genuine tension and you never knew when a character might meet their end and this never really has those moments. They try but I was too distracted (or bored) because I've seen all those moments before. The movie is at it's best when the awesome kids characters are together or Elle Fanning and the main kid are with each other. I wish these characters were dropped into a situation that was more interesting. The army stuff and the creature mystery was just sort of blah, and a lot of the middle is dedicated to it.

It sort of reminds me of WAR OF THE WORLDS, how it sets up all this family stuff and how much the kids resent their Tom Cruise dad. I was actually sort of interested in all that and then boring aliens appear and the focus goes to stuff that isn't as interesting. But we do get a bit of closure to it all in this one, which is one up on WORLDS. When the movie is good, it's great. Probably the most disappointing thing was...


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---the monster is actually General Grievous from REVENGE OF THE SITH. There was so little to be said about this monster, that it's sort of surprising how much of the story revolves around it. I think if J.J. got his usual writers on this, they could have done a better job killing the preamble on the creature that doesn't amount to much and focus more on the kids and their movie. He probably shouldn't write on his own. I did like the moment where the kid lets the necklace go, even though it's not quite earned. I gotta go with that when hero kid was grabbed by the alien that he was being told to move on through the alien, and not the other way around. Although both ways don't amount to much sense.






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The bottom line is I enjoyed it, and it's worth a watch. I was way too excited for this movie though. I mean I was given a free hat and everything.

Summer 2011: May Recap!

All right youse mugs, we are one month into Summer Movie Season 2011. Let’s take a look at the month that was May and recap one or two movies you saw and a bunch you didn’t.

THOR



The God of Thunder proved to be mighty with an excellent debut and great kick off to the season. I have since seen the movie three times, and it was enjoyable each and every time. It’s unlike any comic book movie I’ve ever seen, but in simplistic ways. It takes some chances, but is anchored by a star making performance by Chris Hemsworth. He has the chops and the charm to blaze a path for a new generation of action heroes. I mean, I’m still laughing at his delivery of “I need a horse”. For the last ten years or so, wrestler after wrestler has been thrown in front of us to take the place of your Stallones, your Schwarzeneggers and your Willises. Hollywood, you should have just looked to Australia. There were gorgeous special effects and a controversial love story that people decided to pick apart like no other. I still don’t understand it, but that’s been the only thing people chose to whine about. I’m super excited for the upcoming Marvel movies and the return of Thor in THE AVENGERS.

SOMETHING BORROWED



This movie exhibits things we already knew. Ginnifer Goodwin is adorable. Kate Hudson is an annoying slink. John Krasinski’s schtick does not translate well to movies. There is a generic romantic comedy formula working here, but the last ten minutes are so shocking (for this kind of movie) that it’s almost worth sitting through watching white people get drunk on wine in the Hamptons for two hours.

BRIDESMAIDS



Kristen Wiig finally gets her due by writing and starring in her own movie and it being a raging success. This one is a lot of fun, and is very funny, and even beyond “someone’s first screenplay” standards, is pretty solid writing. It’s Apatow’s most successful production in four years, and hopefully has secured his comedy kingdom reign for a little bit longer. There has been a buzz about this movie like I haven’t seen in awhile. It has been all over twitter (Michael Keaton tweeted about it, you guys) and I hear people talking about it in everyday life as well. It’s being hailed as the funniest comedies of the last few years. Now, I see more movies than most and NOBODY is more qualified to make this statement than moi. So I gave it some serious thought, and people are sort of right. I loved the movie but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything different beyond achieving genuine laughs. But that’s not bad at all. A little love for SEX DRIVE, though. Please.

PRIEST



Surprisingly almost decent for a rip off of JUDGE DREDD from the director of LEGION. Well, decent for about 30 minutes and then it’s a January Screen Gems movie for the rest of the time. How did anyone see this in 3D? It’s dark as shit already.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES



This movie will make you sit there and wish you were watching the confusing and disappointing third movie. There’s nothing left in the tank, and Depp can’t carry a movie he isn’t interested in or his character is interested in or has any sort of involvement in at all. They were so bereft of ideas, that Disney bought this novel from 198fucking7 called “On Stranger Tides” as the basis for the story. It’s not like this novel was anything special or even a hit. It is every stupid sci-fi novel you ever read in middle school, they just added Jack Sparrow. It’s almost fan fiction. This one’s dead. The franchise is dead. We’re done. It’s over. Nothing to see here. Mermaid tears.

THE HANGOVER PART II



This movie is currently getting the business from every genius filmgoer with the criticism “It’s exactly like the first movie”. But what I don’t get is, if you were retarded enough to like the first movie, then shouldn’t you be stupid enough not to care if this is the same thing? I am obviously not a fan of the first, and actually found this movie superior. Call it the “Ghostbusters II” effect. I really don’t see what the difference between the two movies are beyond this one being slightly funnier than the last one, which is to say, at all. Also, kudos for bringing back the 80’s subtitle “Part II”.

KUNG FU PANDA 2



The first movie was one of the best movies of 2008, which is saying something. This one isn’t as good, but is still pretty great considering what Dreamworks Animation is capable of, terrible wise. It’s very funny, action packed and has some very touching moments as well. I want a Panda now. They are hilarious and can protect me from bandits.

May was not too shabby, and June raises the stakes. We’ve got:

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
SUPER 8
JUDY MOODY AND THE NOT SO BUMMER SUMMER
GREEN LANTERN
MR. POPPER’S PENGUINS
CARS 2
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Emotions are running high with that list. There are some serious gambles in there and some franchises in need of redemption. Also, some awesome slurpee cup contenders. Summer is starting to sizzle!

- D